NINE

 “Cate, I’d like to talk to you alone for a minute.”  Dr. Seuss looked at Jon.  “Would you mind waiting outside, Jon?  It won’t be long.  Just a few doctor-patient things.”

Jon’s lips parted with surprise at his gentle but firm dismissal.  He stared at the doctor for a moment, then turned to look again at Cate.  


“Uh… okay.”  Jon blinked at his wife.  “I’ll meet you in the waiting room, I guess.”

Cate gave Jon a small smile.  She wasn’t sure why Jane wanted to talk to her one-on-one, but the Doctor obviously had her reasons.  “Okay.  I’ll be out in a few.”

Jon nodded uneasily, then stood and held out his hand to Dr. Seuss.  “Thanks, Doc.”  He didn’t sound quite sure if he should be thanking her or not.

Dr. Seuss took Jon’s hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze before shaking it in farewell.  “Nice to see you again, Jon.  I hope you have a lovely weekend.”

“Thanks,” Jon repeated, this time sounding a little less off-balance.  “You too.”  He turned to Cate, leaning down to brush a kiss across her cheek.  “I’ll be right outside.”

Cate nodded, then waited as Jon crossed the room and let himself out of the office.  Her eyes met the physician's, silently questioning.  The doctor's response was simply a smile of calm reassurance.

When the door closed with a click, Dr. Seuss stood and rounded her big desk.  She settled into the chair Jon had just vacated, at Cate’s side.

“I just wanted to be sure you’re okay,” the doctor stated quietly.  “I know the news is disappointing, for both of you.”

Cate sighed heavily.  Her gaze dropped to her hands, now twisted together in her lap.  She shrugged.  “I’m not gonna lie, Jane.  It does feel like a punch in the gut.”

“Jon seems a little angry,” Dr. Seuss observed.  “And that’s okay.  It’s a common reaction to the diagnosis.  Especially from men who are used to running things.”

Cate chuckled quietly.  “He doesn’t hide his impatience too well, does he?”  Her lips curved into a glum smile as she continued to stare at her hands on her lap.  “Don’t take it personally.  He just doesn’t accept the idea of ‘unexplained’.”

“Neither do you.”

“No… I don’t.”  Cate looked up at her doctor, her smile fading.  “It’s not in my nature.  My whole professional life has been about finding answers.  Every problem has a solution; every mystery an explanation.”

“But sometimes you have to dig a little deeper to find it, no?”  The doctor’s voice was calm, but firm.  “Cate, there’s a long way to go yet with your case.”

“I know.”  Cate sighed again.  “It’s just so damned frustrating.”  The word came out as a husky growl.

Dr. Seuss nodded empathetically.  “Yes, it is.  You’re doing everything right, following all the rules… and nothing.  Not yet, anyway.  And Jon probably feels the same way, knowing all the steps you’re taking.”  She paused, waiting for her patient to respond.   Cate didn’t speak, again dropping her gaze to her lap.

Jane took a breath before continuing.  She didn’t want Cate to mistake the topic she was about to broach.  


“I also just wanted to be sure you’re really okay with me referring you to Dr. Klein.  Jon was pretty quick to answer for you.”

Cate chortled softly at her doctor’s concern.  “I’m perfectly fine with Dr. Klein, Jane.  I like him, and like you said, he’s one of the best in the City.”  Again the corners of her mouth turned upward in a wry smile.  “What you saw there was my husband’s typical reaction to being told something isn’t working:  ‘Find a way to make it work’.”

Dr. Seuss grinned as Cate mimicked her husband.  “Sounds familiar.”  She regarded her patient for another long moment.  “Look, Cate… I know you and Jon are true partners in your marriage, and that he is as invested in this process as you are.  But sometimes in cases like this the man, for all his good intentions and husbandly devotion, just can’t completely fulfill the role his wife needs.”

“More than just a sperm donor, you mean?”

Jane chuckled, glad to hear her patient make one of her usual wisecracks.  “Yes.  And even more than that… more than a cheerleader and hand-holder and confidant.”  The doctor’s expression softened.  “Cate, there are many women out there who are experiencing the same emotions you are.  They can understand what you’re feeling.”

Cate arched a brow.  She knew where Dr. Seuss was headed with her commentary.  “You think I should join a support group?”  She couldn’t hide the suspicion in her tone.

“Many of my patients have found them beneficial.”

“I don’t know, Jane.  I don’t even see how that could work.”  Cate gave her doctor a skeptical look. “I mean… how could I sit in a room full of sad, strange women and complain about not being able to get knocked up by my rich, famous, rockstar husband?”  She snorted bitterly.  “I’d look like a snotty, whiny bitch.  Not to mention what would happen if somebody in my… therapy group…” She made air quotes to further emphasize her words.  “… told the tabloids?”  Her lip curled in distaste.  “Yeah, no thanks.”

Dr. Seuss nodded slowly.  “All valid points, Cate.  But there are infertility groups that operate under rules of confidentiality.  And there are a number of famous and high-profile couples who struggle with infertility.  They have similar concerns about their private lives becoming public knowledge.  They also have a common experience and a true empathy for how you feel, both about what you’re facing personally and about the extra pressures celebrity can bring to an already stressful situation .”

“You mean Infertility of the Rich and Famous?” Cate smiled half-heartedly but shook her head.  “I don’t think so.  I just don’t feel comfortable opening up to strangers.  I never have, and I don’t foresee that changing.”  She shifted in her chair, crossing her legs and turning a little, to face her doctor.  “After all, Jane… I’ve spent my whole adult life keeping secrets.  Why would I want to share any now?”

Dr. Seuss had to nod at Cate’s point.  “Well, I guess I can see that logic.”  


The doctor's smile softened as she gazed for a long moment at her patient.  She knew her next comment would probably not be any more welcome than her initial suggestion.  


“There are other options, you know.  Ones that would involve privileged communication.”

Cate resisted the urge to roll her eyes at the implication.  Jane’s just doing her job, Cate silently reminded herself as she felt a little pang of annoyance that her doctor would try to push her toward psychotherapy.  She took a breath before answering, choosing her words carefully.

“Jane, thanks for your concern.  But I don’t think I need to see a shrink, either.”

Dr. Seuss didn’t flinch, fully expecting Cate’s defensive response.  “I wasn’t thinking of a psychiatrist, necessarily,” she countered smoothly.  “There are psychologists who specialize in infertility and pregnancy loss.  For both couples and individuals.”

Cate nodded unenthusiastically.  “I know.  I’ve done the research, remember?”  Her statement came out more sarcastically than she meant it to. 

Cate sighed again, then gave Dr. Seuss an apologetic smile.  “Jane, I know you just want to take care of me.  And I appreciate it, really I do.  But I’ll be fine.”  She reached up to drag a hand through her thick auburn hair, leaving her bangs slightly tousled.  “I’m just… well, I guess I’m a little bit overwhelmed right now.  But I’ll sort it out.  I just need some time alone, to think it all through.”

“Fair enough.”  Dr. Seuss gave Cate a direct look.  “But Cate, I’m going to email you a couple names and numbers.  Just in case you change your mind, or if circumstances change.”

“Okay.” Cate agreed resignedly.  “I’ll put them in the file, along with all the other info.”

Dr. Seuss regarded her patient for a long moment, then put on a brighter smile.  She had one more item she wanted to subtly address.  “So, is this the weekend you and Jon are going Upstate?”

Cate nodded, relieved at the change of subject.  She had had enough Crazy-Doc talk.

“Yes, it is.  Jon’s daughter is a freshman, and it’s her first College Homecoming.”  Cate’s smile broadened as she recalled how excited Stephanie had been to invite her and Jon to the weekend festivities.

“That sounds like a lot of fun.”  Jane smiled.  “Probably as much for Daddy as for Daughter.”  She had talked with Jon enough to know he had a soft spot for his eldest child, like most fathers of little girls.

Cate laughed softly.  “Yeah, he’s pretty pumped up.  We’re going up this afternoon; he doesn’t want to miss a thing.  Not the pep rally, not the bonfire, not the parade… and of course not the football game.”

“Sounds like a nice getaway for the two of you,” Jane observed.  “Maybe you’ll have a chance to sneak in a little romantic alone time?”

Cate chuckled again and shook her head.  “Probably not.  Jon’s boys will be there too.  They’re pretty much full-time, hands-on entertainment.”

“Oh, you’re taking them along?”  Dr. Seuss’ eyes narrowed slightly as she carefully watched Cate’s response.  She knew Cate had a good relationship with Jon’s kids, but after this morning’s unwelcome news Jane wasn’t so sure her patient was ready for a weekend surrounded by walking, talking reminders of Jon’s virility.

“No.  Dorothea’s bringing them up in the morning.  So at least we’ll have the cabin to ourselves tonight.”

Dr. Seuss chuckled softly though Cate’s statement made her inwardly flinch.  “You’re all sharing a cabin?  Wow.  Talk about family togetherness.” 

Cate shrugged, but smiled tiredly.  “Yeah.  It’ll be kinda crazy, but Jon loves having the whole family together.  That’s when he’s happiest.”

Jane’s brow furrowed.  “You know Cate… I have to admit, I find it remarkable that you have such a cordial relationship with Jon’s ex-wife.”  She let a little smirk slip.  “I mean, I share your perspective.  My husband was previously married, and has children from that relationship.  They’re grown now, but still…  I’m not sure how I’d feel if Harrison’s ex-wife was as present in our lives as Dorothea is in yours and Jon’s.”

Cate paused, mildly surprised by Jane’s candid comment.  “Well… I guess I don’t really think much about it.” She felt a little twinge of guilt at the half-fib.  “It just is what it is.  She’s the mother of Jon’s children.”

Dr. Seuss nodded, but remained quiet.

Cate shifted again in her seat, uncomfortable with the silence.  For some reason she felt a need to further explain.  “I mean… I like Dorothea.  Even before I met her – or Jon – I had a lot of respect for her.  She’s strong, confident, and a great mother.  And now that I know her really well, that hasn’t changed.  We’ve become friendly.”

“She and Jon certainly seem to be devoted to their children.”

“Oh, Yes!”  Cate nodded emphatically.  “They try really hard to be parents first and exes second.  And I think they do an outstanding job, especially with Jon’s crazy schedule.  That’s one of the reasons they spend so much time together when he’s home.”  She smiled warmly.  “And the Kids are great.”

Dr. Seuss cocked her head to one side.  “You’re part of that equation too.  As a Stepmother.”

Cate’s lips pursed.  “Yes, I guess so… I just don’t really think of myself so much in that role.  I mean, Jon’s children and I do get along well.  They’ve always accepted me.  But Dorothea’s their Mother.”

“And Dorothea?  Has she always been accepting of you?”

Cate nodded again.  “Sure.  Things were a little tense at first, of course.  But once we got to know each other it all worked out.  And now we spend time together.  We all do.  One big happy family.”

Jane silently noted Cate’s choice of words.  While they were cheerful on their face, the phrase only underlined the doctor’s concern for what may lay ahead for her patient.

“That’s great, Cate.  For you and Jon.  For all of you, actually.”  


Dr. Seuss gave Cate a little smile, then her voice dropped to the calm, subtly commanding tone she used with her more reluctant patients.  “And while I’m sure you’ll all have a wonderful weekend together at Stephanie’s school… I want you to promise me one thing.”

Cate’s eyes locked with Dr. Seuss’.  She automatically searched her doctor’s gaze for a motive, trying to read any hidden agenda that may be there.   “What’s that?” she inquired quietly.

“You and Jon take some time alone, and talk.  About today.  About Dr. Klein.  And about what you both want, and what you’re willing to do to get it.”  Dr. Seuss paused, letting her words sink in.  When she spoke again her tone had turned motherly. 

“Cate, you’re facing what may be a long and difficult road.  Modern science is wonderful, but while it can do amazing things biologically, it can’t solve matters of the heart.  You and Jon need to be prepared for this journey upon which you are about to embark.”

Cate’s eyes moistened as she stared into her doctor’s kindly green-eyed gaze.  She nodded, then looked away.  “I know, Jane,” she sighed.

“You need to let Jon know how you feel, Cate.  All of it.  Your excitement, your hesitations, your fears.  Then together you can make your plans.”  


Dr. Seuss reached out to pat her patient’s knee.  “But above all, you need to be honest with yourself, Cate.  There are many ways to be a Mother without giving birth.”

The doctor’s words hit their mark.  Cate felt a lump rise in her throat as she saw in her mind Jon’s smile – the special little secretive one he gave her every time they saw a baby.  He was so excited about having another child...maybe even more excited than she was. 

Cate nodded silently, unable to bring herself to meet the doctor's gaze.

“So,” Dr. Seuss gave Cate a moment to collect herself, then gave her patient's knee another little pat before withdrawing her hand.  “I’ll call you Monday to see how you’re doing, okay?  And I’ll be sure Dr. Klein’s office sends you a confirmation for your Friday appointment.”  


She winked when Cate finally looked up in acknowledgement.  “And when I review your fertility log on Monday morning I fully expect to see detailed reports of all kinds of wild college-weekend sexual escapades with that Rockstar Hubby of yours.”  Jane gave Cate a cheeky grin.

Her tease made Cate laugh, lightening her melancholy.  “Okay, Jane.  You’ll be the first to know, I promise.”

“Ah, sometimes I love my job,” Dr. Seuss grinned.  She slapped her palms lightly against her thighs before standing.  “Now go, and have a great weekend.  And take a little time for yourselves, okay?”

“Okay.  Cate nodded and stood, following Dr. Seuss’ lead.  “Jane… Thank you.  For everything.”

“Anything for my favorite patient.”  The doctor smiled and accepted Cate’s hand, then her hug.  “Keep your chin up, Cate.  Today’s just a little pothole on the road to a happy destination.”

Cate chuckled at her doctor’s analogy, then stepped back.  “I’ll try to remember that,” she replied honestly. 

“Good.  I’ll talk to you Monday.”

“Have a nice weekend, Jane.”

“You too.”  The doctor watched as her patient turned and headed for the exit.  When the door closed behind Cate, Dr. Seuss let out a long breath.  Then she moved back to her desk to prepare for her next appointment.

*****

Jon jumped to his feet when he saw Cate enter the waiting room.  Not able to wait for her to cross the room to him, he moved swiftly to meet her.  Jon stopped in front of his wife and reached for her hand, giving her a little smile.

“Hey. Everything okay?”

Cate nodded, smiling tiredly at the concern in Jon’s voice.  “Fine.  Jane just wanted to chat a little.”

“Oh.  About me?”

Jon’s tease caught Cate by surprise.  She frowned.  “No. Not exactly,” she replied defensively.  “You know, it’s not all about you.”

Jon’s eyes widened at Cate’s chilly tone.  “Cate, I was kidding.  Of course it’s not about me.  It’s about us.”

Cate felt a stab of regret as she regarded Jon’s hurt expression.  She had no idea why she had just snapped at her husband, why his gentle joke had set her off.  Hell, she hardly had any idea how she felt at all.  She was just… numb.

“I… I know.” Cate pulled her hand away from Jon’s and shoved it into her jeans pocket as her gaze dropped to the floor.  Suddenly she felt an overwhelming urge to get out of this place, this office where she had spent too many nervous hours lately.  She needed space, both physical and emotional.

Cate turned away from Jon and hurried over to the rack where she had hung her leather jacket earlier, when she and Jon arrived for their meeting with Dr. Seuss.  She felt him follow her, his bewilderment obvious in his silence.

“Jon, I completely forgot, I need to run over to my office.”  Cate heard the lie roll unconvincingly off her tongue as she slipped into her jacket and reached for her scarf.

“Whoa... What?”  Jon was caught off-guard by Cate’s abrupt announcement.  “Cate, you took the day off.  We need to get on the road, remember?”

Cate nodded, turning her back to Jon as she knotted her scarf around her neck and blinking furiously to keep her tears of frustration at bay.  “I know, but I just realized… yesterday I forgot to send the affidavit draft over to Terry.  I have to get it to him today, so he can work it up to present it to the Magistrate on Monday.”  She tried to make the made-up excuse sound credible though she knew Jon could see through her lie.

“Okay… So send it from home.  You have your laptop, and that encryption thingie…”

Cate shook her head vigorously as she headed for the door to the medical office suite.  Jon followed her, unsure how to react.  “No, I need to send it from work.  There are some attachments I don’t have at home.”  Cate pushed through the door and hurried toward the elevator, her husband in pursuit.

“Cate…”  Jon reached out to grab her arm, trying to slow her pace so he could talk to her.  He raised his hand in surrender when Cate shrugged out of grasp and continued down the hall.  “Cate!  For Christ’s sake!  Hang on a minute!”

Jon’s bark stopped Cate in her tracks.  She winced at the anger in his tone, knowing she had pushed too hard.  Cate closed her eyes and took a deep breath, then slowly turned.  Her cool gray gaze met his, and she prayed her true motive was well-masked. 

“Jon, I need to go to the office.”  Cate’s voice was low and clipped.  “I won’t be long.  Go home.  I’ll meet you there in an hour, then we’ll go.”  She turned away and fiercely punched the button to call the elevator.

Jon let out an exasperated sigh.  There was no sense arguing with her, especially not here in the middle of the hallway.  


While he believed Cate was heading for her office, Jon knew her excuse was bullshit.  She was running.  It was what she did when she got scared, when she needed to hole up somewhere and think.  As much as Jon hated it when Cate did that, he understood.

He had to understand again.  Especially this time.

“Okay.  I’ll go home and wait for you.”  Jon’s voice was quiet and resigned.  “But please, Cate… just call me when you get to your office, okay?  Let me know you’re there?”

Cate’s façade almost cracked at the emotion in his plea.  She swallowed hard, then nodded.  “Okay.  I will.”

“Baby…”  Jon took a hesitant step closer to Cate, then another.  He gazed down at her, his blue eyes swirling with concern.  “Do what you need to do, but then come home to me.  Okay?”

A soft ding announced the arrival of the elevator car.  The doors opened with a soft whoosh.

 Cate felt her eyes moisten as she heard Jon’s unspoken message of support.  She nodded and looked away.  “I will.  Promise.” 

“Okay.  Cate, I love you.”

“I love you too, Jonny.”  Cate raised her face to Jon’s and gave him a sad smile, then turned and stepped into the elevator. 

Jon raised a hand to her as the doors slid shut, then sighed heavily and let it fall to his side.  He knew she would keep her word; she always did.  


He didn't know if Cate would actually go to her office, but wherever she ended up she would isolate herself so she could analyze her emotions and logically arrange her thoughts.   In an hour or two she would be back, calm and quiet and apologetic for causing him worry.

It was her way of freaking out. 

The corner of Jon’s mouth curved upward as the phrase crossed his mind.  He sighed again and reached for the elevator call button.  It wasn’t like he could blame her, given the morning’s disappointment.  Hell, he was a little freaked out himself.  


Today their fears had become real, no longer just shadowy suspicions of their worried minds.

Jon stared unseeingly at the elevator doors until they quietly parted.  He stepped into the little cubicle and pressed the button for the ground floor.

He would go home and wait for her, as he promised.  Then together they would face their new reality.