FIFTY

Los Angeles

He stared at the ceiling, watching the shadows change shape.  They flitted across the textured plaster, darker masses swallowing light-grey wisps.  It was as if he was watching ghosts of his thoughts, the deep recesses of his psyche escaped to dance before his weary eyes.

The shadows would soon be gone, brightened by the sunrise.  His worries would remain.

Jon's hand curved again over the sleek rectangular device that rested on his furred abdomen.  For the hundredth time in the past hour he tilted the screen to his squint, checking to ensure he hadn't somehow missed a message.

It was almost eight a.m. in New York, but still he had heard nothing.

He frowned and snarled quietly at the shadows.  He shouldn't have given in, let her talk him into staying in Los Angeles.  If he had followed his instincts he wouldn't be here now, laying this posh hotel bed while she was probably reclined half-naked and cold on an exam-room table.  He would be at her side, holding her hand.

Jon grimaced with self-disgust.  His free hand raised to swipe across his tired, stubbled face before he pinched the bridge of his nose and squeezed his eyes closed.  He couldn't stand watching the ghosts anymore.  But instead of on the ceiling, the greyness just swirled across the insides of his lids.  His hand dropped to rest over his heart as he heard her voice again, as clearly as if her lips were to his ear.

When Cate had called last night she had been calm and matter-of-fact, her end of the conversation clearly premeditated.  She didn't want him to worry, she wasn't in any pain or discomfort.  She had talked to Dr. Klein and he wasn't overly concerned with her symptoms.  The spotting was within the "range of normalcy" for post-IUI patients.  But just in case, Dr. Klein wanted to see her first thing in the morning, before his eight-a.m. scheduled appointment. 

He could hear the fear hiding in her rehearsed recitation. 

It had been all Jon could do to keep his own cool, for her sake.  To bite back his immediate demand to know what the fuck this doctor thought was normal about vaginal bleeding in the most fragile days of a pregnancy.  To insist Cate go straight to the NYU ER.  To call Dr. Klein himself and order him to haul his rich white ass and his little black doctor's bag to his wife's bedside for an immediate house call.

But that wasn't what she needed.  She needed reassurance.  She needed him to tell her it would be okay, her doctor knows best, and that this wouldn't be the longest night of both their lives, counting the minutes until her appointment.

So that's what he gave her, soothing words of comfort and confidence as he quietly packed his bag.  Jon was ready to call his pilot and a cab when Cate sensed his plans and gave them a firm veto.  She had commanded him not to postpone his business in California; his schedule for the next few weeks would make rescheduling a bitch.  Besides, there was nothing either of them could do but wait.

Jon had argued, of course.  But ultimately he had conceded her point.  He would have his boys for the next two weeks of their Spring Break, and then he had a full calendar of professional responsibilities.  If he didn't take today's meeting the domino effect would disrupt his plans for the next few months.

So he had unzipped his bag, kicked off his shoes, and sat back down on the bed.  He took a deep breath and did again what he needed her to do.  Just talk.

After they finally said goodnight Jon found it impossible to sleep.  He had worked for a few hours and clicked aimlessly through the TV and pay-per-view menu before finally giving up and turning off the lights.  When he closed his eyes his brain projected home-movies on the insides of his eyelids, chasing away sleep.  He spent the heart of the night tossing restlessly. 

Though Jon eventually dozed, every time his brain drifted toward REM sleep he was shaken by shadowy images and haunting auras, the ghosts of his worries.  Twice the phone clutched in his tense grip had jolted him awake with an electronic buzz; neither message was from Cate.  He didn't know whether that was a blessing or a curse. 

Finally as the predawn sky began to lighten, she had sent him a text message that she was in a cab on her way to her appointment.  She had promised to call, but Jon knew she wouldn't, reluctant to wake him at this early West-coast hour.  He had immediately replied, only to receive a short reassurance that nothing had changed and she would call when she knew more.

That was almost an hour ago.

With a soft growl Jon opened his eyes and again cast them to the ceiling.  There was no point of laying here any longer; he wasn't going back to sleep.  But he also wasn't willing to chance missing Cate's call by venturing to the gym or out for a pre-sunrise run.

After considering his options for another minute, Jon finally made his choice.  He grunted softly as he pushed himself up, then swung his legs over the side of the mattress.  The rumpled bedsheet swaddled his hips as he shifted to lower his feet to the floor. 

Jon carefully sat his iPhone at his side before raising his arms above his head in a weary stretch.  He dropped his hands to scrub over his cheeks, then let them fall limply onto his thighs.  He slumped, his spine curving with the weight of his worry as his chin dropped to his chest.

"Please, Baby..." he whispered, voicing his anxious hope.  He needed to hear from her before he drove himself crazy. 

Jon hunched forward, propping his elbows on his knees and lowering his head to his hands.  He pressed his palms to his cheekbones and his fingertips curled against his forehead and temples, the pressure providing some relief to his fatigue-swollen sinuses.

He sat for another full five minutes before the call came.  His phone was at his ear before it stopped buzzing.

"Baby, are you okay?"  Jon blurted out his worried question despite his resolve to remain calm.

Her quiet, singular reply spoke volumes.

"I'm fine." 

Jon's heart sank at her crestfallen tone.  He squeezed his eyes shut, his hand again raising to pinch at the bridge of his nose in an attempt to stem his reaction.  When he responded, his voice was gentle.

"What did Dr. Klein say?"

He heard her draw in a deep breath and slowly exhale before answering.  Her voice was soft, but even.

"The spotting is nothing.  It's normal.  I'm... I'm not pregnant."

Jon lowered his head, pressing one hand against his forehead as the other held his phone to his ear.  "We're sure?"

"Yes.  Blood test.  Negative." 

Jon pulled in his own deep breath before continuing hoarsely.  "Okay.  But there has to be some reason..."  He swallowed and shook his head, trying to rattle his thoughts into place.  He knew Cate had taken the time she needed to compose herself before calling him; he needed to do the same for her. 

"Okay, Baby.  Step by step.  Tell me about the appointment."

"Well..."  She sighed again, this time gently.  "When I got here I went right to the lab.  They took blood and urine, then I went to wait in an exam room.  Edie came in, did my vitals and everything while the quick-tests were running.  She said Dr. Klein may do an ultrasound, depending what he thinks is going on.  But first they wanted to check..." She paused and Jon could hear her swallow.  "...To see if I was pregnant.  Because if I was, Dr. Klein wasn't sure he wanted to do a transvaginal ultrasound and maybe... disrupt..."  Her voice trailed off.

"Disrupt the pregnancy."  Jon picked up her thought, his heart squeezing painfully.  He could picture her, sitting in the clinic's recovery room with the phone to her ear, her shoulders slumped with defeat.  Again he cursed himself for not flying all night to be with her.

"Yeah." Cate softly cleared her throat.  "Not that ultrasound is inherently dangerous or anything... he just didn't want to take a chance."

Her explanation made Jon's mouth twitch slightly upward.  There she was, his logical wife.  Even in this emotional moment she needed to be thorough in her explanation.

"Sure.  I remember."

"Anyway... The blood test was negative, so he went ahead."  Cate sighed quietly again.  "He wanted to take a look at my uterus, to see if maybe there were any clues as to why I can't get.... I'm not... pregnant.  Because this would be about a week into development of the fetus if I was...  but since I'm not..."  Again she paused to compose herself before continuing.  "Dr. Klein said maybe an ultrasound would reveal something we didn't already know."

"And did it?"  Jon's query was gentle.

"No.  He said everything looked normal."  Cate's emphasis on the word was tinged with frustration.  "Just like all the other times."

Jon nodded, but said nothing.  He understood the double-edged sword as well as she. 

"Anyway, the uterine lining looked like it should, no cysts or anything... but we already knew that."

"How about your blood work?"  Jon kept his voice even, trying to sound neither hopeful  nor disappointed.  He didn't know what his wife needed right now, other than logical neutrality.

"My LH was a little low, estrogen too. Progesterone was a little higher than normal."

"Umm... okay.  But what explains your bleeding?"  Jon couldn't stop worry from creeping into his tone.  "You're physically okay, right?"

"Yeah."  Cate's reply was resigned.  "It's just the beginning of my period.  Early."  She snorted softly.  "See?  Told you there was no reason for you to rush home and hold my hand."

Her bitterness broke through with her "told-you-so" declaration.  Jon's heart squeezed sympathetically.  His hand moved to his chest, an unconscious symbolic gesture of empathy.

"Baby, I woulda..."

"I know, Jon.  I know.  But it's best you didn't."  He could tell from her interruption that she needed him to stop before she lost her composure.  It was followed by a soft snort.  "Besides, what could you do anyway?  Hand me a fucking tampon?"

His smile in response was pained.  "Yeah.  You know those things creep me out," he agreed wryly, going along with her attempt at gallows humor.

"I know.  Wuss."  She gave a low, disheartened chuckle, then sighed.  "Anyway, that's it.  It's nothing.  Literally."

"Cate... I'm sorry."

"There's nothing for you to be sorry about."

Jon took a deep breath, then straightened.  "Listen, I'm gonna cancel my meeting.  I can be headed home in about...."  He swiveled his blue gaze toward the bedside clock.  "...an hour and a half or so.  I can meet you out at the house..."

"No."  Her reply was firm and immediate.  "Jon, we talked about this last night.  Stay there, do your business, and I'll see you tonight."

"Cate, it's not the end of the world if this meeting gets pushed."  Jon's jaw tightened as he bristled mildly at her order.

"Jon, it's not the end of the world that I got my period."  Her tone mirrored his.

"Baby, we both know this is more than just that."

His observation was met with a long silence, then a resigned sigh.  When Cate spoke again, her voice was weary.

"Yes... it is more than just that.  But Jon, there's nothing we can do.  It is what it is."  She sighed again.  "I miss you, and I love you for wanting to come home to  me.  But there's really no point.  By the time you get here I'll be gone anyway.  I have to go to Trenton, then I'm meeting Danny."

"Trenton?"  Jon was momentarily taken aback.  Then he realized Cate had told him about her work and social plans.  They had discussed it just last night, in fact.  Before the crisis of their worry.  "Baby... can't you put that off?  I mean, take a sick day or something."

His suggestion brought a throaty, ironic chuckle.  "Jon, I'm not sick.  It's my fucking period."

"So?"  He smiled sheepishly though she couldn't see him.  "Your boss doesn't know that.  Just tell him you're coming down with something."

"I can't, Jon.  I need to meet with the guys in Trenton, since I'll be gone next week.  Besides, I can't exactly play hooky from work today then go out to dinner with Danny in Philly tonight."  Her voice flattened, suddenly sounding weary.  "But... I think maybe I'll take a comp day tomorrow.  Since I'll be out late tonight, and I won't be coming back into the City... And I'm already taking Friday off, so..."

Jon nodded his agreement.  "Yeah, Baby.  You should.  God knows they owe you the time."  He straightened and ran his free hand absently through his hair, leaving it sticking out in all directions.  "And I'll take the day off too.  No work shit, no calls.  We'll just stay home.  Catch up on... stuff."

"Yeah."  Cate was quiet for a beat, then added to the thought.  "We have to go back to the City tomorrow night, though.  Dr. Klein still wants us to keep our Friday appointment."

"He does?"  Jon was mildly surprised.  The purpose of their Friday morning appointment had been for a pregnancy test, but that was now apparently unnecessary.

"Yes."  Cate paused before explaining.  "He's having the lab run a bunch more panels on the blood they took today.  He wants to go over the results with us, and talk about... about where we... go from here."

"Oh."  Jon's reply was flat despite his effort to sound upbeat.  "Uh... yeah.  I guess that makes sense."

"Yeah."  Cate's response was equally unenthusiastic.

"Did he say anything else?  About... well, anything?"

Jon heard her weary sigh again in his ear.  "No.  Just that he wants to look at these panels before he makes any recommendations.  You know how he is... He doesn't want to give us any hasty advice."

"Well, I guess that's good.  Ain't it?"

"Maybe."  Cate took another pause.  "He said he'll put the results & notes on my chart later this afternoon.  So I guess at least we'll kinda know what he's thinking, anyway.  Give us a little time to prepare ourselves for... well, whatever.  I... I guess I'll give you a call when I see what he posts." 

The sad resignation in her voice made Jon wince.   Again he silently cursed himself for not being there with her.  They had been apart too much lately, and it seemed with every separation came another disappointment Cate had to shoulder alone.  Jon knew she didn't blame him for that, but he still felt the sting of guilt.

"Cate... Don't.  Don't even look at that stuff today."  Jon's plea was gentle.  "Just... go do whatever you gotta do in Trenton, then get over to Philly and meet Danny.  Go out, have a nice time.  Forget about all this, if just for tonight, okay? " 

He paused and heard her sigh softly again.  "It can wait 'til tomorrow, Baby.  We'll look at Dr. Klein's notes together, talk about it, maybe do a little planning of our own.  Okay?"

"Yeah... okay."  Cate's reply was resigned.  Jon could hear her lack of faith in the simple acquiescence.

"Cate... like you said.  It is what it is.  Nothin's gonna change before tomorrow, right?"

"No."

"So we'll deal with it then. I know how much you're looking forward to hanging with Danny.  So don't let this put a damper on your evening, alright?"  Jon smiled his encouragement though she couldn't see his expression.  "Go out and hang like you used to. Or... well, try to take it easier than you used to."  Jon quickly amended himself, recalling his own early experiences socializing with Cate, Danny, and their boisterous group of friends and colleagues.  The memories made his smile turn wry.

That comment drew a welcome chuckle.

"Okay, I guess."

"And when you get home tonight you can tell me all about it.  What Danny's been up to, what you guys talked about... every little detail.  I wanna hear it all."

She chortled huskily.  "Why?  You afraid we're gonna talk about you?"

"I know you're gonna talk about me.  My ears are already burning."  Jon grinned, relieved to hear his wife's tone turning more upbeat.

"Believe it or not, Jon, our conversations rarely revolve around you."  Her barb was gentle.  "And as to whatever else we talk about... maybe I'll tell you, maybe I won't.  You know how it is, Danny and I are like you and Richie, or you and Obie.  Secrets to the grave."

"Yeah, okay."  Jon chuckled.  "Just... whatever you talk about, keep it short, okay?  I don't mind sharing you with Danny for a few hours, but I want you to come on home to me."

"What time will you be home?"

"Should be at the house around ten, ten-thirty tops."  Jon snorted softly as he disclosed the late hour.  "Maybe I can cut this stupid fucking meeting short and get there earlier."

"Don't do that.  There's no hurry.  By the time I get to the hotel and Danny's ready to go it will probably be at least seven before we get to dinner.  Then when we're done I have an hour drive from Philly to Red Bank.  You'll probably get home before me anyway."

"Maybe so.  But I'm still gettin' the Hell outta here as soon as I can."  Jon's reply was followed by a soft growl.  "Fucking L.A."

A soft chuckle of acknowledgement was her reply, followed by a sigh.  "Okay, so.... guess I better go."

"You don't have to.  I'm awake.  We can talk as long as you want."

"No, I need to get moving.  Besides, I'm still at the clinic, and I'm sure they need the room."

"Cate, you know they'll wait as long as you need."

She sighed again.  "Jon, I don't know what I need right now.  Except to not stay in this place.  I have to get out of here, get my mind on something besides.... something else."

Jon's heart squeezed at the little quaver in her tone.  "Okay, Baby."  He softly cleared the huskiness from his own voice, again running his hand through his hair.  "Listen, I know you're gonna be busy, but call me later, okay?"

"I'll try, but..."

"Cate." 

She paused, then came her resigned answer.  "Okay.  I will.  Probably in a few hours."

"Good.  Baby...?"

"What, Jon?"

"We're gonna be okay."

"I know."

"Good."

"I love you, Jon."

"I love you, Cate."

"Okay... well.  I'm gonna go.  So... bye."

"Bye, Baby.  Talk to you in a few hours."

"Yeah.  Bye."

Jon heard the connection close but he sat motionless, listening to the silence.  Then he let  the phone and his hand fall limply to his side.

His iPhone bounced lightly on the mattress as he released it from his grasp.  Jon curled backward, slumping into a recline onto the rumpled sheets.  He let out a weary, pained sigh as his hands raised to cover his face.  He didn't want to see the dancing ghostly wisps that were now fading with the breaking dawn. 

He felt his hope swirling away with them.

*****

Twenty-eight hundred miles and three time zones away, Cate stared blankly at the wall.  Her fingers curled loosely around the phone resting on her thigh.  She sat motionless for a long time, then slowly her shoulders hunched forward and her chin dropped to her chest. 

Her hair slipped over her shoulders, curtaining her face with thick mahogany waves.  Droplets of moisture squeezed from between her lashes and slid silently down her cheeks.  Her hollow whisper was barely audible.

"Baby, I'm so sorry."

She breathed out a shuddering sigh before pressing her palm to her forehead and squinting her eyes closed in a futile attempt to stem her tears.

*****

Philadelphia

She sat alone on one of a long line of high-backed barstools, at the end of the sleek ebony counter.  Her lustrous hair shone violet-red in the low light of the opulent room, glowing in warm contrast to her dark suit and the cool chrome and marble around her.  Her pose was prim, her ankles crossed and her hands curved loosely around a small pocketbook on her lap. 

To the few patrons in the lobby bar she looked like an average citizen, an attractive businesswoman pausing for refreshment after a long day.  Only the most observant and those trained to look would notice the slight bulge in her jacket at the small of her back, where her duty weapon sat snug in its paddle holster.

Above Cate's perch a quartet of screens flickered with varying images, their light reflecting on the shiny surface of the bar and refracting off the towering wall of backlit glassware and bottles.  Behind the long bar a slim bartender in the requisite uniform of black vest and white shirt worked efficiently to serve the newly-arrived guest.        

"Thanks."

Cate gave the bartender a small smile as the woman set a glass in front of her.

"Sure you wouldn't like something from the kitchen?  Happy Hour ends in fifteen minutes."  The young African-American woman tipped her head toward the adjoining restaurant.  "The shrimp are really good."

Cate chuckled and shook her head.  "No thanks..." A glance at the gold tag on the bartender's shoulder revealed her name. "... Tania.  I'm waiting for a friend.  We have dinner plans."

"Ah."  Tania nodded.  "Are you dining with us?"

"No."  Cate wrinkled her nose half-apologetically.  "Fleming's."

"Oh!  Great place, a real Philly landmark."

"I know.  My husband loves that steakhouse."  Cate smiled.

Tania nodded and leaned to wipe a white rag over the smooth bartop next to Cate's post.  "So you're local?"

"Sort of.  North Jersey."

"And you're in town to meet a friend?"

Cate's smile broadened at the word.  Danny was indeed a 'friend', but so much more.  He was a conspirator, a confidant.  A Brother.

"Yes.  A very dear, old friend."

Tania straightened and dropped her bar rag beneath the counter before giving Cate a full smile and a little wink.  "Well, this must be a good friend.  Fleming's is nice."  She leaned  closer to Cate, lowering her voice to a conspiratorial mumble.  "Better steaks than here, too.  Way better."

Cate nodded and returned the friendly barkeep's wink.  "I know."

"Don't tell my boss I said that."

"No worries.  My lips are sealed."

Tania chuckled, then stepped back.  "If I can get you anything else, just give me a wave.  Okay?"

"I will.  Thanks, Tania."

"My pleasure." With another friendly smile Tania moved away, toward the other end of the long bar where a pair of business-suited men were settling onto stools.

Cate watched the interaction between the bartender and patrons for a moment, then lifted her glass to her lips.  The tangy bubbles of the club soda tickled her tongue and fizzled down her throat.  She took another refreshing sip and raised her eyes to the screen mounted on the wall above the bar.  Idly her gaze followed the close-captioned subtitles of the local news broadcast for a full minute, until a commercial intervened.

Setting her glass back onto its cocktail napkin, Cate pulled the small handbag from her lap.  She deftly unsnapped the clasp and retrieved her phone from an interior pocket.  She glanced at the screen, checking for another message from her dinner date.  Nothing.

Danny had texted her a half-hour ago that he had just finished his meeting at the U.S. Attorney's Office and he would meet her shortly in the lobby bar of his hotel.  Cate's nose wrinkled as she noted the current time.  He should be here by now.

Danny was usually punctual; in fact he hated to be late.  But if there was one truth of their shared line of work, it was that any meeting with a lawyer rarely ran on schedule.

Idly Cate swiped her finger over her phone's screen, reviewing the few messages she had received over the past hour.  One was from her partner Gus, checking in from the Newark office.  He had spent the day slogging through the tedious work of reviewing surveillance logs while Cate had traveled to Trenton to meet with investigators there who were monitoring their Target's official activities. 

Apparently Gus had finally thrown in the towel on his administrative duty, proclaiming himself at six o'clock p.m. to be cross-eyed and in dire need of a stiff drink.  That had made Cate chuckle.  She felt exactly the same way, though her own weariness wasn't due to work and her drink was far from stiff.

On the drive from the City to Trenton Cate had been unable to keep her mind focused on the case, or even on her much-anticipated evening with Danny.  Instead she had re-evaluated over and over her morning's appointment with Dr. Klein and her conversation with Jon.  It had almost driven her mad, yet she was unable to stop herself.  The meeting with the Trenton investigators had brought a welcome respite from her self-evaluation, but when she walked out of the police headquarters again her thoughts turned to the morning's events.

By the time she arrived at the Center City Marriott  Cate had chastised herself out loud, ordering herself to get over it.  She was so tired of dwelling on her disappointment.  She was determined not to let her dark thoughts intrude on her evening.

Cate's lips curved slightly as she evaluated the trio of messages between Gus' and Danny's.  Jon had also texted earlier, to inform her first that he had finished his meeting in Los Angeles, then that he was in the car to the airport, then that he was on the plane and "wheels up" enroute home. 

Cate chuckled softly again, this time at her husband's over-conscientious reporting of his activities.  As promised she had called him during the day, when she stopped at a Wawa market for a sandwich during her drive to Trenton.  The conversation had been brief but upbeat, both of them avoiding the topic of their earlier communication. They had talked about Cate's activities, Jon's workout, the weather... everything but the depressing news they had received this morning. 

Cate knew Jon was anxious to get home.  But as much as she missed him when he was away, she wasn't quite ready to face him.  His first instinct would be to wrap her in his protective embrace, to try to soothe the morning's bitter disappointment.  It would make her crumble, release the emotion she had so far successfully held in check.

For that reason Cate was grateful she wouldn't be there when Jon arrived home tonight.  She needed a few hours of respite from the sadness and fear.  She needed to talk and laugh and relax, to forget about real life for a little while.

Even though she knew she and Danny would share the personal details of their work and relationships, it would be okay.  Between them, it wouldn't be hard or sad or emotional.  Talking to Danny would help her sort her feelings.  He had been her confessor for half her life, and he had never let her down.

It would be good, to gather herself before facing Jon so she could let him be what he needed to be for her.

Cate tucked her phone back into her bag and again lifted her glass.  Her gaze wandered back to the television, evaluating the now-resumed newscast.  She sipped at her drink as she watched a piece on the City government's efforts to combat pigeons on Market Street, her mouth twisting amusedly at the scrolling commentary at the bottom of the screen.

Ten minutes later Cate's glass was nearly empty and she was updated on the Phillies' Spring Training, the Philadelphia Flower Show, and proposed taxicab fare increases.  Again she checked her watch as she set her glass back on the damp napkin, then scanned the bar and the adjoining lobby.  Still no sign of Danny.

With a little sigh Cate turned to signal Tania for a refill, but she froze before raising her hand when the television screen again caught her attention.  The closed-captioned scroll narrated video footage of a group of people standing outside on a blustery day, a white ribbon barrier fluttering in the stiff breeze.  At the center of the entourage stood an all-too-familiar figure, his swarthy cheeks ruddy with cold as he grinned for the camera.

Assemblyman Valentin DiCarlo was the Guest of Honor, performing the ceremonial ribbon-cutting for the Rainbows of Hope Community Playground...

Automatically Cate reached for her phone, but she stopped herself.  Of course Gus knew Cupid was at the playground dedication; they closely monitored his official schedule.  Gus had been in Newark all day, and he had surely talked to the teams this morning.  There was no sense bothering her young partner tonight, on one of the few days he had left the office before dinnertime. 

Her lip curled as she watched the end of the news piece, which featured the Assemblyman pushing a little girl on a swing and posing with a group of children.   She nodded slightly to herself, silently affirming her decision to leave Gus alone.  After all, this video clip would undoubtedly be posted to DiCarlo's official website by morning, evidence of his dedication to his loyal constituents and his ardent support of community pride and urban renewal.

"Police.  Don't move."

The low growl in her ear made Cate start.  Even as she automatically tensed to fight or flee, her mouth curved into a warm smile.  Ignoring the command, Cate swiveled her barstool to face her confrontor.

"About damned time."  Cate's retort was softened with affection.  "I've been here forty-five minutes."

"Oh relax, Slick.  I had to shower.  Get the lawyer ick offa me."  Danny gave his best friend a boyish grin, his blue eyes sparkling merrily.  He leaned in to plant a smacking kiss on her cheek.

Cate giggled as his soft, thick whiskers tickled her face.  "Guess you didn't have time to shave, huh?"  She arched a playful brow when Danny pulled back from his buss.

"I didn't need to shave."  Danny raised a hand to stroke his neatly-trimmed, dark, full beard.   "That was the best part about bein' over there.  No fucking razors."

Cate rolled her eyes despite her smile.  She knew it was standard operating procedure for male agents to grow facial hair when they worked in the Middle East.  It served not only to disguise their nationality but also stood as a sign of cultural assimilation.  In Arab culture, men without beards were often viewed as untrustworthy.  With his naturally-dark skin and seemingly constant five-o'clock shadow, Danny had no doubt quickly assumed the look of a local.

"I'm surprised Charity hasn't made you shave that yet."

"She likes it."  Danny grinned and again stroked his whiskers, drawing his fingers together at the point of his chin.  "She made me trim it up, though.  Said I looked like a goat herder when I got back and it was all shaggy."  His grin turned into a lecherous smirk.  "And it was leavin' too much whiskerburn on her thighs."

Cate snorted a laugh at his dirty revelation.  "Well, yeah... I can understand that.  Why do you think I make Jon shave?"

"You women."  Danny sighed and shook his head as he made an exaggerated tsking noise.  "Such wimps."

"You men.  You'll do anything we tell you for the promise of pussy."

"True Dat."  Danny chuckled and reached for Cate's drink.  He heartily slurped of the remainder of her club soda, then grimaced.  He rattled the cubes as he reached to set the empty glass back on its napkin.  "Jesus, that's awful.  That shit shouldn't even be allowed to mix with scotch, let alone be consumed plain."

Cate giggled.  "Well, that's what you get for not asking before you steal my drink.  And what did you expect?  You know I quit."

Danny wrinkled his nose again though his blue eyes sparkled with merriment.  "I thought it was Sprite or something. But now that you're a fancy millionaire's wife I guess you go for the hard stuff, huh?"

"Oh yeah.  Club soda's so fancy."   Cate rolled her eyes despite her grin.

"Shit, I gotta get this taste outta my mouth."  Danny turned and raised a hand.  Tania the bartender nodded an immediate response to his signal and glided over.

"So, your date arrived."  Tania gave Cate a smile as she placed a cocktail napkin on the bar in front of Danny.

"Finally.  He was upstairs primping."  Cate grinned with the gentle rib.

"Well he cleaned up nice."  Tania gave Danny a charming smile.  "What can I get you?"

"Dewar's, rocks."  Danny gave the bartender a roguish grin and tipped his head toward Cate.  "So, she was talkin' about me, huh?"

"Don't worry, it was all good."  Tania turned to pull a highball glass from the shelf behind her.

"Now I know you're lying.  She never says good stuff about me."

Tania chuckled and deposited a scoop of ice cubes in the glass.  "Okay, so it was all bad.  But in a good way."  She gave him a wink before picking up the whiskey bottle and tipping it into the glass.

"Ahhhh...." Danny waggled his brows at Tania.  "So you like Bad Boys, huh?"

"What girl doesn't?"  Tania smirked and finished her pour with a flourish before turning again to Cate and nodding at her glass.  "Another?"

"No thanks."  Cate waved her hand over the mouth of her empty glass.  "I'm good."

"Okay.  Let me know if you change your mind."

"Don't go far.  I'm gonna need another one of these pretty quick."  Danny picked up his glass, tipping it toward the bartender and giving her a wink.

"Oh, don't worry.  You I'll keep an eye on."  Tania chuckled again as she moved away.  "Enjoy."

"Oh, I will."

Cate snorted quietly.  She had witnessed this scene a thousand times, but it never failed to amuse her.  "You're such a flirt."

"Nah.  I'm just a nice guy."  Danny chortled and took a long draught of whiskey from his glass.  He swallowed slowly, then smacked his lips with satisfaction.  "Ahhhh.  Damn, I needed that.  Long fuckin' day."

Cate nodded her silent agreement, her smile fading a bit.  "Yeah.  So, what's up with the Zapata case?  They really gonna re-open it?"

"Ah, who the fuck knows?" Danny half-growled a sigh.  "Yesterday that little shit AUSA Rogers was all psyched up about it, now today he's all skeptical."

Cate nodded.  She knew Assistant U.S. Attorney Calvin Rogers by reputation only, but she hadn't been impressed by what she had heard.  "Sounds like he got slapped down."

"Or he's just a pussy, realized how much work it's gonna take."  Danny set his half-drained whiskey glass on the bar and shook his head.  "Shit like that reminds me again how glad I am I didn't go back to the field."

Cate chuckled ironically.  Of the two them Danny was the one who thrived in the operational environment.  He had been privately envious when she had accepted her Manhattan Field Office assignment so she could be with Jon, while he stayed behind in his instructor billet at the Training Academy.

"Yeah, the lawyers are the downside for sure.  The upside is definitely the shitty hours, the unpredictable schedule, the asshole targets who do the most ridiculous things at the most inopportune times..." Her sarcasm was quietly mocking.

"Sure.  That's the easy part.  Beats being shot at by a boneheaded BAT who doesn't know his Glock from his dick."  Danny turned his face to Cate's, giving her a long, mildly-defiant look.  He was only able to hold the expression for a few seconds before cracking.  His lips spread into another wide grin.

Her grin matched his.  "You miss this, admit it."

"Sure, I miss it.  It's been a long time since you and I sat at a bar and had a drink.  Even a shitty one like that."  Danny pointed at Cate's empty glass, purposely evading the intent of her challenge.

"You know what I mean."

"Maybe."

Cate couldn't help but giggle.  It felt so good to be sitting here, sparring with him again.  It was the dance they always did, they had since the first day they had met, decades ago in a college dormitory.  Her expression softened.  "I've missed you, Danny."

"Missed you too, Slick."  His smile gentled as well.  "And I'm glad you could come meet me tonight.  There's somethin' I wanted to talk to you about."

"Oh?"  Cate cocked her head to the side, her mouth twisting wryly.  "Something juicy?"

"Nah, nothin' in my life is juicy.  You know that.  It's all boring as shit."  Danny took another swallow from his whiskey glass.

"So if it's so boring why didn't you just tell me the other night on the phone?"

" 'Cause.  I wanted to see the look on your face."  Danny gave her a sidelong smirk.

"Okay.  What?"

"Ahhh... nothin' big.  I'll tell you over dinner.  When is dinner, by the way?"  Danny peered at the big round dial on his wrist.  "I'm fuckin' starving."

"Reservation's at eight."

"Damn."  Danny shrugged.  "Guess that means I've got time for another round."  He took another pull from his glass before turning to signal Tania for a refill.

"And it means we have plenty of time for conversation."  Cate arched a brow at her best friend as he nonchalantly toyed with his glass.  The little twitch at the corner of his mouth told her he was eager to share whatever it was with her; he was just enjoying baiting her.  "So spill it."

"Nah.  It can wait.  So how's Santo doing?  He ever hit puberty?"  Danny snickered with his tease about Cate's partner, then gave Tania a nod in response to her offer of the Dewar's bottle.

"Gus is doing great, actually.  Good partner, works hard, conscientious, good instincts...."  Cate snorted.  "But you know that.  You wrote his final fitness report before he graduated the Academy."

"So you haven't eaten him alive yet, huh?  I told him it was only a matter of time."  Danny gave Tania a charming smile as she topped off his fresh whiskey.  "Thanks, Darlin'."

"You're welcome."  The bartender gave him a coy smile and slipped quietly away.

Cate shook her head, amusement playing on her lips.  "No reason to.  He's a good agent.  I like him."

"You have him over for dinner yet?"

Cate giggled softly.  "No, not yet.  But Jon invited him."

"Jon did?"  Danny chortled.  "Bet Santo about shit his pants when he got that invitation."

"Nah, he was fine.  A little shocked, but fine."  Cate shook her head.  "He said he heard rumors about my story, but didn't realize who I was."  She shrugged.  "But I gotta say, he's been cool about it.  Loyal guy, Gus."

Danny nodded, this time sincerely.  "Floyd told Santo when he got the Manhattan assignment that he would have one of the best Training Agents in the field.  Told him to pay attention and learn all he could, 'cause you're one in a million."  He again looked sideways at Cate, smiling fondly.  "I told him the same thing.  And that I'd personally kick his ass if he let you down."

Cate chuckled gently.  "Same thing you told my husband, I believe."

"Damn straight.  And I meant it both times."

Cate's lips twisted with affection.  She reached over to give Danny's bicep a squeeze, a silent and unnecessary thanks.  He nodded and sipped again from his whiskey.

"Okay, so spill it.  Whaddya got to tell me?"

Danny grinned at her persistence.  He knew once he dangled a hint to Cate she would doggedly pursue it until he gave in.  But he didn't want to string her along too much more.  This was something he had been waiting to share with his best friend, something he knew she would appreciate.

"Christ, Cate.  I said I'll tell you at dinner."

"Tell me now."

He paused, then heaved a fake sigh.  "Ohhhh..... alright.  But only because I'm afraid you won't take me to this fucking restaurant unless I tell you."

"Nope, I won't."

"Okay.  So anyway... you know how before I took this deployment they were talking a big re-org of the Firearms Training Branch?"

"Yeah."  Cate nodded, swiveling her barstool toward Danny.  She leaned in a bit, giving him her full focus and attention.   Her blue eyes narrowed expectantly.

"Well, they were gonna do away with a couple positions, but they actually ended up adding a few and splitting up the squads."  Danny waved a hand dismissively.  "It's all about funding, politics, bullshit...  Anyway.  Troy's gonna be heading to the desert in a couple months and now there are these open slots, so when I got back the first thing Floyd did was hit me up about extending."

Cate blinked with surprise.  "You mean staying on as an instructor?"

"Yup."  Danny paused, nonchalantly taking another sip from his drink.  "For another three."

"Three years?  Really?  But Danny...you sure that's a good move?"  Cate's brow furrowed.  "I thought you wanted to get back to the field, to take an ASAC slot?"  She frowned as she calculated the time in her head.  If Danny wanted to get promoted he would soon need to take on an Assistant Special Agent in Charge field assignment. 

"I did." Danny shrugged and set down his glass.  "But you know how it goes.  They won't guarantee me a field office of my choice, I'd have to just take whatever they give me.  And Grand Forks North Fucking Dakota ain't high on my list."  He snorted again, then his mouth curved to a smile.  "And there's something else I gotta think about."

Cate gave him a confused look, even as her brain processed Danny's rationale and compared it to his career track.  She knew his own history as well as she knew her own.  "What?"

"Well..."

They both jumped at the loud buzz from his belt.  In a flash Danny's hand clapped over the holstered phone, then he tugged it from its case.  "Shit," he mumbled, pulling the device up to his face.  "The branch got new fucking phones while I was gone.  Still not used to the damned things."  He swiped his beefy finger across the screen, then frowned.

"What?"

Danny shook his head, then looked to Cate.  He gave her a half-apologetic smile.  "Listen, I gotta handle this real quick.  Gimme a couple minutes, 'kay?"  He raised the phone, indicating the glowing screen.

"Sure."  Cate nodded, fully understanding.  She had been on the receiving end of many an after-hours duty call.  "Go."

"Be right back."  Danny swiveled his barstool and slid off it, then strode quickly for the lounge's entrance.

Cate watched him go before turning back toward the bar.  Her mouth twisted thoughtfully as she returned to her analysis of Danny's explanation of his career prospects.  She was still surprised at his revelation that he was considering extending his teaching tour.  He loved working with the students, but that hardly seemed like a prudent career move.

Cate's eyes drifted up to the television above the bar as she mulled her friend's situation.  The image on the screen diverted her attention, turning it to more personal matters.

Her expression sobered as Cate stared at the commercial for "Philadelphia's best maternity care center," at Thomas Jefferson University Hospital.  The scrolling caption announced the center was staffed with the region's top obstetricians, making it the number one choice for Philadelphia's expectant couples.  An image of a white-coated physician consulting an electronic tablet reminded Cate of a personal detail, one she had managed to put out of her mind for a few hours.

She looked away from the screen, her gaze and her hands dropping to her lap.  She slowly unsnapped the clasp on her purse.  Cate took out her phone and looked at the dark screen for a moment, then took a breath and tapped.  The rectangle glowed to life.

Cate heard Jon's voice in her head as she touched the icon.  "It can wait 'til tomorrow, Baby.  We'll look at Dr. Klein's notes together, talk about it, maybe do a little planning of our own."

Immediately the application opened, a box requesting her identification and password filling the screen.  Cate took a breath and looked up, throwing a glance toward the lounge entrance.  Danny was out of her line of sight, probably outside having a smoke while he made his call.

Slowly she tapped in the information, then hit the "log on" button.  Within seconds her identity was authenticated and the familiar privacy page of her electronic file filled the screen.

"Sorry, Baby..." Cate whispered her apology under her breath as she touched the screen to bypass the privacy page, then opened the newest entry.  Her breathing shallowed as she scanned the words, entered just a half-hour ago by her physician.

Menstruation onset 72+ hours premature, negative pregnancy after second IUI attempt.  Intrauterine ultrasound unremarkable.  Hormone levels within limits but variant from normal baseline.  Patient reports no trauma, pain, adverse symptoms.  Progression of menses normal.  During IUI hyperstimulation has produced multiple ova, viability indeterminate.  Additional hyperstimulation and harvest recommended to evaluate egg quality and viability before proceeding with controlled fertilization.   In light of patient's age, history, and fertility goals, I think it unlikely third IUI will produce viable pregnancy.  Immediate progression to IVF recommended. –BSK/6:40 pm

Cate's heart sank under the weight of the words.  They weren't unexpected; she had thoroughly analyzed every possible outcome.  But they validated her frustration and underscored her fears, that the problem was hers.

Not Jon's... Hers. 

And it may be too late.

Cate stared at her iPhone, re-reading the physician’s notes three more times as she struggled to keep her composure and to slow her racing brain.  Finally she forced herself to look away from the little screen.  She swallowed hard against the lump in her throat as she heard Jon’s husky plea again in her ear, imploring her to let it be, just for tonight.  A stab of guilt pierced her heart though her promise had been a hollow one, one she had known she wouldn’t keep. 

She should have listened to him.  But he would understand.

Cate’s head bowed as her gaze dropped again to her hands.  She stared blankly at the damning words, knowing they were meant only to be clinical but unable to accept them as intended.  Her lashes fluttered against the moisture glazing her eyes.

“Well that was a fucking waste of time…”

Danny’s voice made Cate jump.  Hastily she pressed the button to darken her phone’s screen, then shoved the device into her purse.  She cleared her throat and straightened, fixing a half-smile to her mouth before she looked at her friend.

“Everything okay?”  Her voice came out as a husky croak.

“Pffft.”  The barstool’s feet scraped quietly over the floor as Danny pulled it back from the bar before re-mounting his seat.  “Just that fucking little weasel Rogers.  Said he gave the Zapata case some more thought and thinks we need to discuss it more thoroughly before we make a decision whether to pursue it criminally or civilly.”

Danny snorted derisively.  “I told him there was no fucking ‘WE’ in the decision, HE can do whatever the fuck he wants.  I gotta plane back to Georgia tomorrow, and a new class starting Monday.”

“Based on that, I wouldn’t place bets on him re-opening.”  Cate's observation was hollow.

“Nah.  And I don’t fucking care.”  Danny picked up his glass and took a long drink of whiskey, then turned his head to give Cate a little smirk.  Almost immediately his expression sobered.  “What’s wrong?”

Cate tried to feign nonchalance though she knew it was futile.  Danny could read her like a book.  “What?  Nothing.”

“Bullshit.”  Danny tipped his head as his gaze dropped to Cate’s lap.  She hadn’t exactly been covert in her startled reaction to his return.  “What was that?”

“What?”

“Come on, Slick.  Don’t play dumb.  You know.”  He gestured toward her purse.  “You were checking your messages or something when I walked back in.  And you don’t look too happy about ‘em.”

“Oh… that.”  Cate shrugged.  “It’s nothing.”  She reached for her own glass, then silently cursed when she remembered it was empty.  She should have let Tania refill her club soda, if for no other reason than to use the drink as a prop to disguise her lie.

“It’s not nothing.”  Danny’s frown deepened.  “Was it Jon?”

“No,” Cate forced another smile though she knew it was pained.  “Seriously, it’s nothing.  No big deal.  Just a message.”  She cleared her throat and continued more brightly.  “Now, back to what you were saying… you’re honestly thinking about staying at the Center for another tour?”

Danny’s eyes narrowed as he regarded his friend.  He could clearly see she was trying to conceal whatever had troubled her in his absence.  He also knew demanding she confess would get him nowhere.  He nodded slowly.  If he played along he’d get whatever Cate was holding back out of her sooner rather than later.

“Yeah.  Actually, I’m not thinking about it… I’m gonna do it.”

Cate’s head tipped to one side as her brow furrowed with concern.  “But you know you could get pretty much any ASAC job you want.  Floyd can make it happen.  And you’re not close enough to retirement to just ride it out.  Danny, you’ve still got a couple promotions ahead of you.”

“Yeah, well…”  Danny took another sip of whiskey and gave her a smug smile.  “There’s more to life than getting promoted.  You know that.”

“Of course, but…”  Cate hesitated as his tone struck her.  Her frown deepened as she comprehended the meaning of his comment.  “Charity doesn’t want you to go back to the field?”

“I didn’t say that.”  Danny paused, evaluating her response.  “But sometimes we gotta make choices, right?  Especially for people we love.”  It only took a second for him to see what he expected in her blue eyes--a flash of pain.

“But that hardly seems fair, that you pass up a chance to secure your entire professional future, just for her.”  Cate’s voice held a note of unintended bitterness.

“You did it for Jon.”

“That was different.”  Cate looked away.

Danny arched a brow at her reaction.  Now he was getting somewhere.  He leaned forward, resting his forearms on the bar and lowering his head and his voice.

“It wasn’t different, Slick.  You walked away from a promotion and a great job because you knew it was the right thing to do, for you.  Because you love your husband.”

Cate blinked and chuckled falsely.  “He wasn’t my husband then.”  Even to her ear, the rebuttal was petty.

“No.  And he may not have ever been if you hadn’t been brave enough to give up that opportunity.”  Danny smiled. “For a much better one.”

Cate snorted and looked up at the television.  She knew if she made eye contact with Danny now it was all over.  He would force her to share what was really troubling her.

“Yeah, but that was different.  I didn’t have a choice, I had to follow Jon if I wanted to be with him.  Charity’s an agent.  You could work an assignment together, to someplace you would both have jobs.”

“Yeah, but we’re not gonna.”  Danny reached for Cate, placing his fingers under her chin and pressing firmly.  She complied reluctantly, letting him turn her face to his.  Danny's heart squeezed sympathetically as he saw the sadness in her stormy blue gaze.  They stared at each other for a long second before he spoke.

“Cate.  Tell me.”

Her eyes misted at the gentleness of his demand.  Her lips curved into a sad smile as Danny’s fingers slid gently along her jaw in a reassuring caress before he dropped his hand to the bar.  She pulled in and sighed out a shaky breath.

“Okay, fine.  I… I just got some not-great news, is all.”

“Is Jon okay?”

She nodded slightly.  “He’s fine.  We’re both fine.  It’s just… it’s been a disappointing day.”

“How?”  The word had barely passed his lips when Danny saw the answer in her pained expression.  “Oh.”

She nodded again, pressing her lips tight together in an effort to stifle the sob that threatened to escape from her throat.  “Yeah,” she whispered raspily.

Danny sat silent for a minute, repressing his instinct to reach for her hand.  He knew she wouldn’t welcome the gesture at this fragile moment.

After a minute Cate took another calming breath, then gave him a grateful smile.  “Sorry.”

“S’okay.”

She sighed softly.  “I… uh… I had a little spotting… last night.  So this morning I went to the clinic.  I… It didn’t work, Danny.  The IUI.”  Cate swallowed.  “Again.”  She dropped her gaze to her hands, now folded on her lap.

“Cate, I’m sorry.”  This time Danny didn’t hesitate.  He reached to rest a reassuring hand on her knee.  “Are you okay?  Physically?”

She nodded, letting out a bitter snort.  “Yeah.  I’m perfectly fine.  As usual.”

“Does Jon know?”

Again she nodded.  “Yeah.  I called him this morning, after my appointment.”

“And that was a message from him, just now?”

“No.”  Cate sighed again.  “It wasn’t anybody.  I was just looking at my chart, is all.  At Dr. Klein’s notes.”

Danny tipped his head, mildly surprised and more than a little concerned.  “And…?”

Recognizing his shrouded alarm, Cate quickly shook her heard.  “No, no… nothing like that.  Danny, really… I’m fine.  I just… it just hit me hard this time, is all.”  She gave him a sad smile.  “Really, I’m okay.  We just… well, it was a setback.  So now we gotta…”  She paused for another breath.  “We just gotta go on.”

“Keep trying.”  Danny’s hand moved from her knee to wrap around Cate’s folded hands.  He squeezed reassuringly.

“Yeah.”

“Slick… I’m sorry.”

She shook her head again, smiling as she blinked away the moisture from her eyes.  “Danny… it’s okay.  I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t have looked at that stupid… Well, anyway.”  She sighed and gave him another, brighter smile.  “I don’t wanna talk about it, not now.  Let’s just… can we just talk about you?”

Danny’s smile faded to a look of brotherly concern.  “We don’t have to talk about me, either.  In fact… let’s just forget about all the work shit, okay?  Just go to dinner, yak about our old friends.  And you can tell me all the celebrity gossip.” 

Cate tilted her head and gave her friend an amused look at his sudden change of tack.  “No, I want to talk about you.  And you can’t just start a conversation like that and then tell me to forget about it.”  She shook her head again, pulling her hands from Danny's.  “No, you don’t get off the hook that easy.”

Danny sighed and reached again for his drink.  “Cate, it’s no big deal.  We can talk about it later.”

“No, it is a big deal.  You just came back from six months in a war zone… which you didn’t have to do, by the way… and now you’re telling me you’ve decided to just sit back and put your career on autopilot?”  Cate’s tone strengthened, now confident her emotions were contained.

“Yep, pretty much.”  Danny took another swallow of whiskey.

“And that’s what you wanted to tell me in person?”

“Uh huh.”

Cate’s eyes narrowed as she regarded Danny’s stoic profile.  Now she could tell he was the one concealing something.  “What you said earlier, about Charity not wanting you to go back to the field….”

“I never said Charity doesn’t want me to go back to the field.”  Danny corrected her.  “You said that.”

“Okay, so she doesn’t want to leave Georgia, then?”

“Not really, no.”

“So is she worried she won’t be able to find a position good for her career?  ‘Cause I would think she could find a job more easily than you could find an ASAC slot.  IRS is everywhere.  Hell, you could come here…. Philly has a huge IRS center.”

Danny turned his head to give Cate a long look.  His mouth curved into a wry smile.  “It’s not about Cher’s career, Cate.  She’s turning in her badge.”

Cate’s eyes widened at Danny’s quiet statement.  “She… she’s what?”

“You heard me.  She’s decided not to be an agent anymore.”

“But… Why?  I know she’s got a ways ‘til retirement, but…”  Cate’s voice trailed off as she tried to comprehend what would make Danny’s wife give up the career she loved.

“Cate.” 

Danny’s quiet utterance of her given name made her look at him.  When their eyes met, her heart sank.  She could read it in his expression, the bittersweet mix of pride and apology.  

“Listen… I know the timing of this sucks.  But…" Danny's mouth curved wistfully. "You’re gonna be an Auntie again, Slick.  Charity’s pregnant.”