FIFTY-ONE

Cate couldn't breathe.  The wind was knocked out of her, as surely as if she had taken a punch to the gut.  She sat frozen, her gaze locked with Danny's.  She watched the sparkle in his blue eyes fade, the excitement of his news shrouded with concern for her reaction.

Her lips parted in a feeble attempt, but Cate couldn't force herself to speak.  Inside her chest her heart throbbed jealously while her gut twisted with self-pity and guilt.  It wasn't fair.  They weren't even trying to get pregnant.  Cate gasped helplessly as her eyes moistened.

And she wasn't being fair, either.  Her best friend had gone out of his way personally share this joyous news with her, and she couldn't even summon a smile.  She closed her mouth and swallowed hard, her eyes dropping to her lap.  She felt her lower lip tremble shamefully.   

"Slick..." 

Danny's gentle voice almost killed her.  Cate closed her eyes and sucked in a necessary breath.

He reached for her arm and immediately Cate stiffened, raising a hand in a silent signal to wait.  Danny heeded, withdrawing his hand and settling his forearms on the edge of the bar.  He watched her calmly, waiting for her to collect herself.  He knew she would; she just needed a minute.

Silently Danny cursed himself for dropping this news on her now.  He should have waited until later, over dinner.  It would have been worth the certain argument to delay, to avoid salting Cate's still-raw wound.  Danny reached for his half-empty whiskey glass to drown the pang of guilt that pierced his gut.

Cate sat motionless for another long moment, her chin to her chest.  Then she pulled in a long breath and raised her head.  Her mouth curved into a pained smile as she turned to look at her best friend.

"Cate, I'm sorry...."

"No..."  Her voice was a weak croak as she shook her head.  She quietly cleared her throat and tried again, this time succeeding in her vocalization.  "No, Danny.  I'm sorry.  I just...."  Fresh tears glimmered in her eyes as her mouth twisted with her remorse.  "You just caught me off-guard, is all."

Danny shook his head, again reaching for her.  This time she welcomed his gesture, turning her palm face-up on her thigh to let him clasp her hand in his. 

"Naw, Cate.  I shoulda waited 'til dinner.  Especially since..."

"It's okay.  You didn't know."

"You just told me, Slick."

She shrugged.  "But you planned all this... didn't you?  Meeting me for dinner?  Just so you could tell me face-to-face."

"Slick, I'd still want to see you, even if I didn't have any news at all."  Danny gave her a wistful smile as he squeezed her hand. 

"But you could have flown back home tonight.  To Charity."

"Yeah, but I wanted to hang out here tonight.  With you."

Cate nodded gratefully and again dropped her eyes to her lap.  A teardrop slipped from her lashes and fell to Danny's hand, dotting his dark skin with a sparkle of moisture.  She sniffled softly and looked up, her eyes shining.

"Danny... Congratuations."

"Thanks, Slick."

"When?"

"October."

It took her a moment, but Cate's expression revealed her surprise.  "October?  But you just got home..."  She stopped, realizing the potential awkwardness of the situation.

Danny chortled softly, reading her mind.  "What can I say?  Hawaii's a romantic place."

"Oh."  Cate nodded, now remembering.  In January Charity had flown to meet Danny for a short R & R on Maui.  The corners of her mouth curved slightly.  "Yeah.  I guess it is."

"You got married there."  Danny's tone was gentle, encouraging her to embrace a happy memory.  "It ain't just me."

"Yeah."  Cate sighed softly.  Her heart squeezed again, still tender to his news.  "So is... is Charity... excited?"

"Of course."  Danny chuckled softly.  "She was a little freaked out at first since we didn't exactly plan this.... but now she's good."

"And she's... she's giving up her badge?"

"Not right away, but yeah."

"Oh."  Cate pulled in another breath.  She heard it catch in her throat despite her efforts to force down the lump that still sat there. 

Cate swallowed hard and looked at her empty glass, then shifted her gaze sideways.  Suddenly she craved a drink, something to soothe her frazzled nerves.  Just to take the edge off.

Her hand trembled lightly as she reached for Danny's glass.

Danny watched silently as Cate raised the whiskey to her lips and sucked in the remainder of the amber liquid.  His expression sobered as he read her gaze, now a flat slate-gray.  The shaky sigh she breathed after swallowing told him the drink wasn't enough. 

Gently Danny pulled his hand from Cate's as he rocked onto his hip.  He reached to extract his wallet from his back pocket, then slipped a few bills from inside.  Danny dropped the notes on the bar before sliding off his stool and offering Cate his hand.

"C'mon."

Cate looked up, mild surprise painting her face.  "What?  Oh... Yeah.  Guess we should probably go."  She glanced down at her watch before continuing unenthusiastically.  "It's only a couple blocks to Fleming's, so we'll be a little early.  But I guess that'll give us time to grab a drink before our reservation."

Danny waited until she had dismounted her barstool and tucked her purse under her arm before answering.  When Cate ignored his proferred hand he lowered it to the small of her back as she turned away from the bar.   Danny could feel her tense with surprise at the press of his palm against her concealed holster.

"Forget about the reservation, Cate."

"What?"  She turned a confused look to her friend.  "Why?"

"Because."  Danny ducked his head, lowering his mouth near her ear as his voice dropped.  "We're not going out.  We're going upstairs and ordering room service and a bottle.  And then, Slick..."  He gave her a tight-lipped smile that warned her not to argue.  "You're gonna talk to me." 

"Danny..." His name was a quiet, weary sigh.  "You don't want to hear all that."

"Yes, I do."

"No, you don't.  Christ, Danny..."  She made a weak attempt at a smile.  "We should be talking about your news.  And catching up."

"That's what we're gonna do.  Catch up."  Danny's answer was firm.  "And the place to do it ain't in the middle of some fancy-ass restaurant."  He again pressed his hand against Cate's waist, nudging her toward the door as he took a step.

"I was gone a long time, Slick.  But I'm here now.  And I'm ready to listen." 

Cate hesitated, turning again to look at him.  A tired smile turned the corners of her mouth.  "You sure you're up for this... again?"

"Yep.  Always."  Danny chortled softly.  "Ever since the S.A.E. rooftop."

The reference to their college confessionals made her smile turn wistful.  "Yeah, guess you always were."

"So come on."

She didn't argue.  Instead she acquiesced to another firm press of his hand at the small of her back. 

Together Cate and Danny made their way through the bar and out into the lobby, side by side.  They paused to wait at the elevator bank, neither speaking.  Danny saw with a sidelong glance that Cate's smile had faded, her slate-blue eyes still glimmering with a sheen of moisture.

With a quiet ding the car arrived, the doors sliding silently open.  A young couple stepped out of the cubicle, followed by a silver-haired, evening-suited man holding a mobile phone to his ear. 

Danny and Cate waited for the trio to pass, then stepped inside the well-appointed little box.  Both turned to face the front, standing side-by-side.  Danny reached to press the "13" button and the doors slipped closed.

He stepped back and raised his eyes to the lighted number display above the door, his stance mirroring Cate's.  The quiet was broken only by the muffled mechanical whir of the car's movement. 

His eyes remained forward as Danny's hand found Cate's, his thick fingers curving around hers in a silent gesture of comfort.  The strangled hitch in her breath affirmed what he already knew... that she was barely holding on.

In just four floors and a hallway she could let it go.  And after she fell apart, he would help put her back together.

Just like they had always done.

*****

"What's a-matter with your dinner, Slick?"  Danny vaguely waved his fork at Cate's half-full plate.  "You've hardly touched it."

"Nothing.  It's fine."  Cate shook her head slightly with her unenthusiastic reply.  Realizing she was toying with a bright-green spear of broccoli, she set her fork down on the edge of the plate.  Her hand moved to her wine glass, lifting it to her lips.  The last swallow of scarlet liquid disappeared into her mouth.

Danny watched her as he chewed and swallowed his mouthful of steak.  His brow creased with mild concern as Cate reached for the bottle and poured more wine into her glass.

"You might wanna slow down on that a little, don'tcha think?  Or at least get something more than a couple little potatoes and a broccoli tree in your stomach."  Danny's scold was gentle.  "Your tolerance ain't exactly what it used to be."

Cate shrugged and took another sip from her wine glass.  "I'm not hungry."

"Suit yourself.  You're the one that's gonna have the headache in the morning."

Cate shrugged again and gave him a wry half-smile.  "Wouldn't be the first time."

"You wanna order something else?"

"No.  I'm fine."  Cate reached for a piece of bread, to humor him.  "I'll just nibble."

Danny shrugged.  "Suit yourself."  He took a gulp of water from his goblet, then gestured again toward Cate's plate.  "You ain't gonna finish your steak, then?"

Cate chuckled quietly.  "Go ahead."

" 'Kay.  Thanks."  Danny reached across the room-service cart to spear the saucer-sized piece of meat from Cate's plate.  "It ain't bad, huh?"

"Not bad," Cate agreed unenthusiastically.  She again swirled the red wine in her glass.  "Not as good as Fleming's, though."  She took another sip.

"Well, next time I'm in town you can take me there."  Danny eagerly sawed off a piece of meat and popped it into his mouth.  He chewed noisily as he smirked at her. 

"Okay."  Cate snorted softly, half-amused by Danny's purposeful crassness.  He was trying his best to lighten her mood.  But the only change to her shell-shocked system Cate welcomed at the moment was the growing, numbing warmth of the wine.

She tore a crust from the bread and chewed it slowly, watching Danny eat.  After washing it down with another sip of pinot noir, she quietly spoke.

"Danny... I'm sorry about earlier.  My reaction.  I... I really am happy for you and Charity.  It's wonderful that you're having a baby."  The smile she gave him was small, but genuine.

Danny set down his knife and fork and swiped his napkin across his mouth before answering.  He reached to give her hand a gentle squeeze.  "No apology necessary.  I know, Slick."

"I know you know... but I really mean it."

"Well, I did kinda spring it on you."  Danny picked up the squat glass of iced whiskey that sat next to his water goblet.  "I shoulda waited."

"No, you shouldn't have.  You don't have to walk on eggshells around me, Danny."  Cate sighed. "Just because I had a disappointing day doesn't mean I have to project it onto you."

"Cate, seriously. It's fine."  Danny took a quiet slurp from his glass, then gave her a brighter smile.  "When the shock wears off you're gonna kick into Crazy Auntie mode again.  I'm sure you haven't forgotten how to spoil my kids."

Cate couldn't help but chuckle, memories of happy moments with Danny's two older children instantly flashing in her mind.  "Have you told Jack and Jordan?" 

"Jordan knows.  She's pretty excited."  Danny nodded and set down his glass.  "Says she's gonna move in with us and be our nanny after she graduates.  I told her that was a nice idea, but she's not giving up college to be a babysitter.  Plus, since she'd be babysitting her own brother or sister, she'd be doing it for free."

Cate smile broadened at that.  She had no doubt Danny had been blunt with his headstrong daughter. 

"I can't believe she's already a senior this year.  In high school."  Cate sighed.  "Just yesterday she was playing in my backyard."

"Tell me about it."  Danny raised a hand to rub his tousled head.  "These gray hairs didn't just come from nowhere, ya know."

"How about Jack?  What does he think?"

"He doesn't know yet."  Danny shook his head slightly and again picked up his glass.  "His battalion is out on an exercise in the Mojave.  He's back next week.  I'll tell him then."

"Tell him I say hi."  Cate's smile gentled at the thought of Danny's son, the U.S. Marine.  "And Semper Fi."

"Hooah."  Danny grunted the military affirmative and slurped again from his whiskey.

Cate tore another piece of bread and placed it in her mouth, silently reflecting on her role as the Godmother of Danny's children.  She had always considered Jack and Jordan part of her own family, had embraced them as the children she would never have.  She had meant it with all her heart when she swore to Danny she would lay down her life to keep them safe.  

Her head tilted thoughtfully to one side as Cate realized how differently she felt about her stepchildren.  While she adored Jon's children and would do anything to ensure their safety and well-being, there was absent the intense bond she shared with Danny's son and daughter.  Stephanie and her brothers didn't need her affection or her protection; they had a large and doting family of their own.

Her smile faded as she wondered if she would have the chance to learn how true motherhood felt.  The little stab of remorse again pierced her heart, through numb warmth.  Cate again raised her glass before continuing, stoking the fire.

"So... do you want a boy or a girl this time?"

"Yes."  Danny chortled softly with his noncommittal answer.

"Which is it?"

Danny's smile turned gentle.  "Honestly... it doesn't matter.  Just ten fingers, ten toes, healthy and happy."

Cate nodded her understanding as she took another nibble from her bread crust.  "Yeah, guess so."

"Charity wants a girl, though.  Says she doesn't know how boys work. "  Danny chuckled again.  "I told her my Mama raised five boys and did just fine.  She'll figure it out."

"But your Mama always wanted a girl." Cate smiled.

"That's why she adopted you."

"Yeah, well.  I was happy to let her."  Cate chuckled with the warm memory of Danny's wonderful, now-deceased mother who had treated Cate as a member of her own rambunctious family.  She sighed.  "God, Danny.  You have one grown, one in high school, and one on the way.  Can you believe it?"

Danny chuckled and rattled the ice cubes in his glass before tipping it again.  "Yeah, now I definitely can't retire anytime soon.  Gotta pay for college all over again in nineteen years."

"Ah, that's a long ways off."  Cate gave him a wistful smile.  "You've got a lot to enjoy before then."

"Yeah."  Danny sighed softly, his own expression sobering as he dropped his gaze to the glass in his hand.  "And this time I'll do it right.  Not like with J and J."

"Danny, you were always a great Dad to them."

"No, I wasn't.  You and I both know it."  Danny raised his blue eyes to meet Cate's.  "I wasn't as involved in their lives as I should have been.  I was gone too much.  And when I was there..."  He shook his head, knowing he didn't need to continue.  Cate had been there through it all.

"You were working.  And then when Julie moved and they had to go with her... it's not like you could just up and follow them.  You had to keep your job, after all."

Danny's shrug was tired.  "Yeah, I know.  I had to support them somehow."

"Exactly."  Cate picked up her wine glass and leaned back in her chair.  "But Danny... Jack and Jordan always knew you loved them.  Hell, how you adored them.  When they were little and had their weekends with you... they used to look at you like you were a superhero or something."

"That's 'cause I used to let them run the lights and sirens in the cruiser."

Cate chuckled at his attempt to minimize her compliment.  "No, Danny.  They thought you were a superhero because you were one of the Good Guys.  And you were their Dad."

Danny nodded silently, his eyes dropping again to the drink in his hand.  He slouched back in his chair and smiled wistfully.  "Yeah, well.  This time, with this kid... it's gonna be different.  I don't have anything to prove anymore."

"So that's why you're staying at the Center?"  Cate's query was gently skeptical.

"Yeah.  I'm happy there, Cate.  Charity likes it there.   We have a great house, I like my job and the people I work with.  I'm lucky to be there, and when it comes time to retire..." He looked up and gave Cate a wink.  "Well, I can just slide into another Old-Fart job right there.  Stay another twenty years and not give a shit about promotions and politics and all that bullshit."

"Will you be happy doing that?  Not going back to the field?"

"Yeah, Slick.  I will be.  Full-time family man... I can handle that."  Danny nodded slowly, his smile widening.  "Besides... we may not be done with just this one, ya know? I mean... Charity's already thinking this kid may need a brother or sister."

Cate blinked, holding her smile as her heart squeezed at Danny's speculation. She nodded slowly, considering the relationship between Jake and Romeo.  Jon had told her Dorothea had the same idea; she wanted her younger son to have a sibling closer to his own age.

"I guess I can see that," Cate agreed quietly.  "And since she's giving up her badge... well, I'm sure she's put some thought into it.  Having more kids, I mean."

"Yeah."  Danny gave Cate a long look.  "You don't agree with that, do you, Slick?  Her hanging it up?"

Cate paused, considering before answering honestly.  "I don't know."

Danny nodded slowly, understanding.  "It was her choice.  I told her whatever she wanted to do, I'd support.  We'd make it work."

"What made her decide to walk away from her career?"

"She said it's just the right thing, for her."  Danny smiled gently, the memory warming him.  "She was pretty freaked out at first.  But after we had the ultrasound I guess... well, I guess it just kinda sunk in.  A couple weeks later she came home from work and sat down across the table from me and said 'I want to be a full-time Mom'.  I said 'okay'.  And that was pretty much it."

Cate's expression turned thoughtful, then her smile faded.  She took a gulp from her glass and looked away.

Danny's heart squeezed as he saw the veil of sadness fall across her eyes again.  Decades of friendship and confidence told him what he instinctively knew:  it was time for Cate to confess her worries and fears.  And this was obviously the place to start.

"Slick.  Look at me."

Slowly she turned her gaze back to his.  Their eyes locked and they exchanged a silent understanding.  Okay. Go.

"What about you?"  Danny's voice was calm, carrying neither judgment nor sympathy.  "What are you going to do when you get pregnant?"

She blinked back at him for a moment before giving him another honest answer.

"I don't know."

Danny nodded.  "Fair enough.  But I'm surprised it hasn't already come up, between you and Jon."

"Who says it hasn't?"

"And?"

Cate stared impassively at Danny for a moment before letting out a heavy sigh.  He waited as she drank again.

"He wants me to quit."

"When you get pregnant?

Cate shook her head slowly.  "He's wanted me to quit for awhile now."

"Since the Caymans op?"

Cate's lips curved in an ironic smile at Danny's mention of the unlikely incident.  While working on a surveillance she had been victim of a street crime, an attempted abduction she had managed to thwart with her training and instincts.  The event had left her battered and bruised, but otherwise unharmed. 

But it had shaken Jon.  That event more than anything had cemented his opinion that she should leave her dangerous career behind.

"Yeah, especially since then.  But if he's honest, the day we got married was the day he wanted me to quit."

Danny propped an elbow on the arm of his chair and stroked his beard thoughtfully.  "But he's never pushed you to do it."

"No.  Not until..."  Cate stopped. 

"Until now."

She took a deep breath, then sighed quietly.  "Not exactly.  But he... assumes it.  That I'll quit when... if I get pregnant."

Her weary self-correction made Danny's heart twinge sympathetically.  But his calm demeanor didn't crack.

"Slick, I know you can't predict how you'll feel when it happens.  It's... I don't know... primal, I guess.  For women.  We men, we have the instinct to protect and provide.  But women..."

"I'm not sure I have that instinct."  Her quiet statement held a note of bitterness.

"So, what does that mean?"

Cate sat silent, considering his query.  She knew Danny would wait for as long as she needed, to give her time to logically arrange her feelings.

"I... I don't want to quit.  I love my job..."  She smiled half-heartedly.  "Even the parts that suck.  And I've worked damned hard to get where I am, Danny.  I don't want to give all that up."

"Why?"  The challenge was gentle, urging her to further self-examination.

"Because.... it's who I am.  No..."  she paused, shaking her head slowly.  "Not exactly.  But it's made me who I am."

"So?  If it's made you who you are, then you'll still be that woman even without the job.  Right?"

"I'm... not sure."  Cate frowned, not at Danny but at the puzzle of her own feelings.

"Okay.  But practically, you don't need a job anymore, Cate.  You're financially secure, and there are plenty of other things you could do with your time.  Besides be a wife and mother."

"It's not about time, Danny.  Or money."

"Okay, then what's it about?  You tell me."

Slowly Cate's head moved from side to side as her lips pursed.  "I'd miss the... the life, I guess.  Being part of the team."

"You'd miss the rush."

Cate shot Danny a hard look.  "No.  It's not about that."

"Isn't it?  You know the pathology as well as I do.  Cops, military, firefighters, jet pilots..."

Cate shook her head more firmly.  "No.  I'm not a fucking adrenaline junkie.  Especially... especially not now."  A wan smile cracked her frown as she attempted a joke.  "Besides, I can get my fix the way I always did... only now I get backstage passes."

Danny chortled at her wry reference to her husband's profession.  "Touche', Slick."

Cate smiled back at him for a moment before her expression fell again.  She sighed softly.  "I guess I just don't... I don't want to let go of something that makes me... me."

"You'll still be You."

"Will I?"  Cate raised her blue gaze to Danny's and he saw the earnest question in her eyes.  "If I don't have this anymore, will I really be the same person?  What if I lose something, some of who I am?  Like..."  She swallowed hard, and Danny knew she was remembering a prior life.  One they both preferred to leave in the past.

"Cate, it won't be like that.  Jon isn't Kevin."

She grimaced at her first husband's name.  "I know.  But he wants the same thing.  For me to quit."

"But not for the same reasons.  For better ones, Slick.   For both of you."

"That's what Kevin said."  Bitterness dripped from her reply.

Danny sighed, knowing she was right but not willing to allow her to turn the point into an excuse.

"Kevin was a fucking liar.  Do you think Jon is lying about why he wants you to quit?"

"No."  Cate's reply was quick and quiet.  "Besides, how can he lie when we don't talk about it?"

"So he doesn't verbalize it.  But you know it's what he wants."

"Yes."  She dropped her gaze.  Danny's heart sank as he saw what she didn't have to say.  But it was his job to make her face it.

 "Cate... are you and Jon having problems?  In your marriage?"

Her shoulders slumped. Silently Danny cursed, but he held his tongue and waited.

"I... I think maybe we're starting to."

"Because of your job?"

"In part.  And because of... of the... baby.... thing."

Danny's brow furrowed with surprise.  He knew Cate had been feeling the strain of their fertility quest for months, but he had never considered Jon could be anything but supportive.

"Your fertility treatments?  How?"

Cate sighed heavily and looked up at Danny.  A sheen of mist glazed her slate-blue eyes, warning him that what was to come would be emotionally-charged.  She raised her glass and gulped in the remainder of the red wine, then set the glass on the room-service table before reaching again for the bottle.  This time when she tipped it only a trickle of liquid settled into the bottom of the glass.

Danny watched with quiet concern as Cate tossed down the last mouthful of wine.  His best friend was obviously intent on falling off her self-imposed wagon tonight.  He wouldn't stop her or judge her, but he would protect her.

"Want me to order up another bottle?"

Cate stared at the empty vessel for a moment, then her gaze swung to the counter of the suite's mini-kitchenette.  She spied the bottle of Dewar's next to the ice bucket and a sad smirk curved her mouth.

"Why bother?  We've still got whiskey."

"You sure?"  Danny's query was quiet.  "You haven't drank that hard in awhile."

"Why the fuck not?"  With that, Cate pushed back her chair from the little dinner table and stood.  She gestured toward Danny's nearly-empty drink.  "You ready?"

"Sure."  Danny handed up his highball glass to her.

Cate wandered across the room and set Danny's glass on the counter next to the Dewar's bottle.  Removing the paper cap from a fresh glass, she dropped several ice cubes into both glasses before pouring a healthy amount of whiskey into each.  The crackle of the ice seemed to fill the quiet room.

The drinks prepared, Cate carried the twin glasses back to the table.  She handed one to Danny, then offered hers.  Her quiet voice recited their customary toast.  "To the lost."

"To the lost," Danny repeated as he touched his glass to his.  They both sipped, then Cate dropped again to her chair.  She sighed wearily and reached up to pull a hand through her thick red mane. 

"It's been hard lately."  Her confession started matter-of-factly.  "There's this... strain.  I feel it all the time.  And I know he does too."

"Did he tell you that?"

She took another sip, wincing slightly at the whiskey's bite.  Cate shook her head.

"No.  We don't talk like we used to."

"Why not?"

"We don't know what to say to each other."

Danny drank, remaining silent.  She continued, a softness creeping into her tone.

"He tries.  He does everything he knows how to do.  He's supportive.  Encouraging.  Affectionate.  Loving."

"And?"

"And..."  Cate blinked, her lashes glistening with moisture.  "And sometimes I just can't fucking stand it, Danny.  I... I know he wants to protect me.  To protect us.  But... but he makes me feel so.... So...."  She stopped to swallow.

"So what?"

Her reply was a sigh.  "So weak.  Danny... I just feel... oh, Fuck."  She spat out the expletive and took another pull from her glass.

Danny watched her impassively, waiting.

After a moment she continued, her voice now tinged with bitterness though her response was calmly rational.  "I know I shouldn't feel that way.  I know I overreact, I take things the wrong way.  These fucking hormones... Danny, they're fucking killing me.  The ups, the downs, the shots, the pills...." 

She sneered.  "Christ, they're supposed to regulate everything down there..."  She waved her free hand angrily at her lap.  "But they don't seem to do a fucking thing to help my head.  And... and my heart."  Cate's voice cracked.

"And that pisses you off.  That you're emotional."  Danny couldn't contain a small smirk.

"Well... yeah!"  Cate shot him a half-dirty look.  "For fuck's sake, Danny... when have you ever known me to like feeling all sappy and girly and shit?"

He chortled and took a pull from his glass.  "Never."

"Right!  And now..."  Cate stopped, her glittering eyes now stormy as she struggled to find the right words.  "Now it's like I can't... I just can't... control it.  And then there's my wonderful fucking husband, with all his sweet words and reassurance and affection and it... it just makes it worse..."  She growled softly and reached up to again tug a lock of auburn hair away from her face. 

"And then I feel like a fucking bitch because I know he's trying to help, but I... Goddammit, Danny.  Sometimes I don't want his help.  I just want... I just want him to be... to be..."  Cate's voice tightened as her tears welled.  "I just want him to be as... to be like... like me.  To be as upset, and angry, and... and... frightened... as I am."

Danny didn't respond, knowing she didn't want him to.  He sat silently, sipping at his whiskey.

After a few seconds Cate cleared her throat and swiped a hand across her eyes.  Her cheeks sparkled with shiny streaks as she took another drink, then a deep breath.

"I know he... Jon's having a hard time with all this.  He's impatient, used to making things happen instead of sitting back and waiting.  And with this... there's no control.  Neither of us have any control over this... process."

"But not for lack of trying, Slick."  Danny waved a hand toward Cate's glass.  "You quit drinking.  Smoking.  Eating pretty much everything that tastes good.  You take all these drugs and hormone shots, record every little burp and fart that comes out of your body on your iPad app thingie."  He gave her a wan smile at his crass oversimplification.  "So of course you're angry that you're not getting... results.  But Slick... it sounds to me like Jon's dealing with it the only way he knows how."

She snorted ironically.  "What, with catchy little optimistic soundbytes?  The 'Power of We'?  This is our life, Danny.  Not a fucking song."  

Danny arched a brow at the snarl in her tone.  He could see Cate's point, but he felt obligated to advocate for her husband as well. 

"Slick, he's a guy.  When people we love are hurting, we protect them.  That means we act like we're strong, even when we're just as scared and confused as everybody else."  Danny's tone gentled as he continued.  "And if there's one thing I know about Jon, it's that he's gonna do everything in his power to protect you.  Even if you don't fucking want to be protected. Which we both know, deep down... you do."

Cate blinked back at Danny for a moment, the hard truth hitting her square in the heart.  Her expression softened, then she nodded sheepishly.

"I... I know, Danny.  And that's why I feel like such a bitch.  It shouldn't upset me.  But... but it does.  I love him... so much... for trying to make this easier on me... but..."  Cate's lip trembled as a tear slipped down her cheek.

"But you're doing what you always do, Slick.  You're trying to shoulder all the burden, which means you also take all the blame.  It takes two to make a baby, Cate.  In case you've forgotten Biology 101."

His gentle quip made Cate choke out a chuckle.  She reached up to brush away her tear and gave him a sad smile.

"Yeah, I know.  I remember biology class.  Professor Ziegler."

"Well, then."

"But biology class never prepared me for this.  All the tests and the labs and the exams and procedures and..."  She shook her head, her smile fading.  "Hell, Danny.  Back then I was afraid I would get pregnant when I had sex.  Now all I do is worry that I won't."

Danny's brow furrowed sympathetically.  He and Cate had always been candid with each other about their love lives, but since they had both remarried bedroom matters were no longer a frequent topic of discussion.

"That's gotta put some stress on your relationship."

Cate nodded, sniffling softly as she brushed away another tear.  She smiled weakly again.  "Yeah.  Guess sleeping with a rock star ain't always the stuff of fantasy."

Danny returned her gentle smile.  "The thrill is gone?"

"Not always.  But lately... yeah."  Cate drew in and sighed out a long breath.  "They told us at first that it might be hard to keep the intimacy going.  But we didn't believe them."  She snorted softly.  "Arrogance, I guess."

"Well, Slick... I gotta admit you did seem pretty damned satisfied since you and Jon got together.  Not nearly as sexually frustrated as you used to be."  Danny grinned with his gentle rib.

Cate nodded, her mouth curving again into a small smile.  "Yeah.  It's been good for us... for the most part.  Until... well, until it became 'sex on demand'."  She sighed again.  "And now, that we're trying IUI and..."  Cate paused and swallowed hard.  "... And next is IVF.  We don't even need to have sex anymore.  It's all about specimen cups and petri dishes."

Danny tipped his head, mildly surprised by her resigned tone.  "You've stopped altogether?  Having sex?"

"No."  The denial was a weary sigh.  "We still make love... if you can call it that.  But it's just... well... It's basically for physical satisfaction.  Mainly His. Not for... intimacy."

"Wow."  The word slipped out before Danny could stifle it.  Cate noticed, raising an eyebrow and giving him a half-hearted smirk.

"You always said you had better sex life than a rock star.  So guess this is validation, eh?  You and Charity slip away to Hawaii and make love in paradise.  Jon and I... well, these days it's mostly pornos and plastic cups." 

Cate's gentle rib carried a undertone of weariness.  She took a small sip of whiskey, holding it on her tongue for a moment before letting it slide down her throat.  She needed to rekindle the warm numbness; she was starting to feel too much.  And she knew this conversation was far from over.

"Sorry, Slick."  Danny took his own drink, then gave her a serious look.  "Have you thought about talking to somebody about it?"

"I'm talking to you."

"You know what I mean."  Danny shook his head.  "A professional.  I'm sure your doc could refer you and Jon to somebody.  I know those clinics have counselors and stuff."

Cate's expression turned to one of mild surprise.  Neither she nor Danny had ever found much value in psychiatric therapy, preferring to deal with their issues in their own ways.

"Seriously?  Marriage counseling?"  She snorted.  "Since when are you an advocate of that?"

Danny shrugged and took another pull of whiskey from his glass.  "I'm not, at least in the bullshit traditional sense.  But what you're going through is different.  Specific.  It's not so much about your  marriage as it is you dealing with infertility stress."

Cate felt herself automatically bristle at  Danny's suggestion.  But she forced herself to ignore the reaction, instead focusing on the hot-button term.

"Jon says we're not 'infertile'.  He hates that word."  Her observation was matter-of-fact.  "In fact, he refuses to let anybody at the clinic use it around him."

"How about you?"

"It's a clinical term.  And it's technically accurate."  Cate dropped her gaze from Danny's and took another drink.

"That's not what I asked."

Cate snorted softly again, this time at Danny's refusal to let her off the hook.  "I don't like it either.  But I'm not worried about mere words."  She raised her face back to Danny's and he saw the irony in her gaze.

"Okay, words aside.  Have you and Jon thought about talking to a 'relationship counselor',"  Danny made air-quotes with his free hand to emphasize the title.  "Or what the fuck-ever they call them?"

"Actually..." Cate swirled the glass in her hand, making the ice cubes rattle against the curved sides.  "Jane -- my Gyno --  has suggested it to me a few times."

"And?"

"And... I don't know, Danny.  It's complicated."

"Why?"

"Because of who we are, for one thing.  It's not like we can just walk into some therapy group.  'Hi, I'm Cate Bongiovi and this is my husband Jon'."  Cate snorted derisively.  "How many seconds do you think that would take to hit the tabloids?"

"So don't do Group.  Just see a counselor privately.  You'll have patient-therapist privilege."

Cate rattled her ice again and took another sip of whiskey.  "Jon will think we don't need it."

Danny gave Cate a direct look.  "Fuck what Jon thinks.  Cate, what do you think?"

She sat silent for a moment before making her admission.

"I... I think we could use some...  help."

The sadness in her soft voice pierced Danny's heart.  When she saw his reaction Cate looked away, her lashes fluttering against new tears.

Danny watched her for a moment before pushing back his chair.  He moved silently to the bar and retrieved the Dewar's bottle, then retraced his steps.  Without asking or awaiting her request he tipped the bottle against Cate's glass, then his own. 

Setting the bottle on the table, Danny sank heavily into his chair again and took a pull from his drink.  When he spoke his voice was gruff with empathy.

"You love Jon."

"Yes."

"Then you gotta do it, Cate.  If that's what it takes..."

She looked up, her eyes brimming with tears.  "I know.  But getting Jon to agree...."

"He'll do it for you."

She nodded again and looked down, sparkling tears falling onto her lap.  They sat in silence for a few minutes, drinking and collecting their thoughts.  Finally Cate spoke, her voice soft and hollow.

"Danny... I don't know what will happen if... if we don't have a baby."

The statement surprised him.  Danny stared at Cate for a moment before posing another gentle question.

"Cate... are you having second thoughts?"

"No."  Her answer was immediate and firm.  She shook her head, then repeated the denial more calmly.  "No, of course not.  But..."

"But?"

"Sometimes I just... I just feel like Jon wants a baby more than I do.  And when I think that I... I may not be able to... give him that...."  Her voice broke and she took a deep breath.  "I wonder if he'll look at me in the same way."

"Cate, you can't think like that."

"I know I shouldn't, but I do."  Cate smiled sadly.  "Danny, you should hear him, when he talks about having another child.  He sounds so happy, so excited... and he always calls our baby 'she'."

Danny's  gut tightened at Cate's revelation.  He knew where she was going with this.

"I ask him what if we have a boy, but his heart is set on a girl.  It's like... like he's determined to relive Stephanie's baby days."  Cate's smile turned bittersweet.  "He says he wants to be a better, more hands-on Dad than he was with her."

"Sounds familiar."  Danny gave Cate an ironic half-smile. 

"Yeah."

"Maybe he just feels the same way I do.  Like starting over is a second chance, the opportunity to do this Dad Thing right, with the wisdom of experience."

"Maybe."

"Or maybe it's just our midlife crisis.  You know, instead of buying a sports car or getting a hot young wife."

That made Cate's smile appear.  She chortled softly.  "You already have both of those."     

"So, baby makes three."

"Or in Jon's case... seven."  Cate sighed again, her expression sobering.  "But for me... this is my only chance."  Again her eyes sparkled with moisture.  "And I'm running out of time."

Danny set his glass on the table and reached for her hand.  His touch made her flinch.  Cate's voice roughened with emotion.

"Danny... what if  I can't get pregnant?"

"Slick, you can't think like that.  You just gotta keep trying.  Have faith."

"Now you sound like Jon."

"Well, he's not wrong."   Danny sighed as Cate pulled her hand from under his, her expression turning stormy again.

"Dammit, Danny... you can't do that to me.  Not now."  Cate's voice quavered.  "It's not fucking fair."

Danny raised a brow but sat calmly, his hand remaining on the table where hers had been.  He could see in her eyes and hear in her strangled growl what was coming.  The breakdown.

"Can't do what to you, Slick?  Remind you that you're not alone?  That I care about what you're going through?"

"You're being the Man again.  Just like you said earlier, about Jon."

"Well, Jon is a Man."  Danny's argument was purposeful, pushing her.  If he backed down now she would never let this go, deal with it like she should.  "What do you expect him... or me... to do?"

"To let me deal with it.  My way."

"We've been dealing with it your way for two hours now, Slick.  And I don't see any great breakthrough yet."  Danny leaned forward in his seat, commanding her attention.

 "Cate, you asked me a question.  I answered it honestly.  I can't tell you what will happen if you don't have a baby; I'm not Madame Fucking Marie with my crystal ball or psychic bullshit.  But I can tell you what you already know, what you've told your BATs and trainees time and time again:  The mind is a powerful thing.  And if you keep thinking you're going to fail... You will."

She bridled at his confrontation, like he knew she would.  Cate dropped her whiskey glass to the table with a dull thunk, ignoring the liquid that sloshed over its side and onto her hand.  She sat forward, squaring off with him.

"Oh, right.  So now what?  Are you gonna break out a guitar, sing me some pretty little song with cheesy fucking lyrics about how you'll 'be there for me' or how 'love can move a mountain'?  'Cause I can get that at home, thanks."  She sneered back at Danny.

Danny's blue eyes glittered as his gaze narrowed.  "Is that what you're afraid is gonna happen when you walk in the door tonight, Slick?  That your husband is gonna try to make you feel better?  That he's gonna tell you the truth... that he loves you and he's sorry about the awful shit that happened to you both today?  'Cause you know what, Cate?  If it was my wife who was hurting that's exactly what I'd want to do for her."

His assault stunned her.  Cate's eyes widened and her lips parted in a soft gasp.  Danny stared back, silently willing her to continue, to get it out. 

Cate's lip quivered as she slowly closed her mouth, then swallowed hard.  She leaned back in her chair and reached for her glass.  Her hand visibly shook as she raised the whiskey to her lips and took a long drink.  Cate closed her eyes and let the fiery burn slide down her throat.

Her eyes were moist when they opened and found Danny's.

"I... I can't face him, Danny.  After today.  I... I can't."

"Why."  His voice was calm, a command rather than a question.  It demanded a truthful answer.

"Because.  When I see him... I'm gonna break.  I'm gonna crumble in his arms, sob against his chest.  And he's gonna be strong, and hold me, and tell me everything will be alright."  Tears began to stream down Cate's cheeks in a silent release, her voice hollow and hoarse. 

"He'll make me feel weak, Danny.  And the way our relationship has been going... all these ups and downs and disappointments... I'm becoming somebody I don't want to be.  A weak woman, a slave to my emotions." 

Cate swallowed hard and her head bowed.  Danny watched her tears fall onto the tablecloth as she made her confession.  "While I'm growing weaker, he's growing stronger.  And it's not fucking fair."

Danny's heart ached for her.  After decades of friendship, all they had been through, he had never seen her as broken as in this moment.  But he had done what she needed him to do, what she never would have forced upon herself.

He reached for his whiskey.  After a long draught he spoke, his voice gentle.

"I'll call Jon.  You're in no condition to drive, and neither am I."

She raised her head, her watery eyes now full of remorse.

"He's waiting for me."

"He'll still be there in the morning.  And I'm sure he'll understand."

Cate sat silent for a moment, then slowly swiveled her head, scanning the room for her purse.  "I should call... he'll be worried."

"No, Slick.  I got it."  He gave her a tight-lipped smile.  "It'll give me a chance to say 'howdy'."

"He'll want to talk to me."

Danny saw the weary dread in Cate's watery gray gaze.  Silently he shored his resolve to protect her, to shield her until she had strengthened enough to stand on her own.

"I'll tell him you drank too much and are babbling like a loon, going on and on about politics."  Danny smirked gently.  "He'll get that.  He's seen it."

That made her sober countenance break.  Cate gave Danny a weary half-smile and nodded slowly.  "Okay.  I think I'm gonna go wash my face."

" 'Kay."  Danny pulled his phone from his belt while she pushed back her chair and stood.  He paused, waiting for her to enter the bathroom before dialing.

Cate crossed the suite, hesitating at the bathroom door.  "Danny?"

"Yeah, Slick?"

"Tell Jon I'm sorry.  And that I love him."

"You got it."

She nodded and turned away, then disappeared into the bathroom.

Waiting until he heard the door close and latch, Danny turned his attention to his phone.  He scrolled through the address book until he located the number, then dialed.  As the electronic ring sounded in his ear Danny stood and picked up his whiskey glass.  He sipped as he strolled over to the floor-to-ceiling window.

"Hello?"  Jon's answer was gruff and urgent.

"Hey, Jon.  How ya doin'."

"Danny?"  Jon's reply betrayed his puzzlement.  "Is Cate okay?"

"She's fine."  Danny snorted softly, partly relieved by Jon's concern for his wife, partly affronted by his brusqueness.    "She's in the bathroom."

"She didn't answer my messages.  I was getting worried."

"Don't think she got 'em.  Her phone was in her purse all through dinner."

"Oh, well...Then she'll get 'em now.  She always plays with her phone when she goes in the Ladies' Room.  That's why she's in there so damned long." Jon's throaty chuckle told Danny he had relaxed a bit.  "So I guess she's about ready to head home, huh?"

Danny chortled softly at his comment, then took another sip from his drink.

"Listen, Jon... Cate's not leaving.  We had a few drinks, she's had a long day... she's gonna stay here tonight."

"What?  Where?"  Jon's voice hardened.  "Your hotel?"

"Yeah."  Danny kept his voice even.  "She's in no shape to drive, and neither am I."

"Then I'll come get her."

"Don't."  Danny's tone was a subtle warning.  He half-turned to glance back toward the bathroom door, double-checking that Cate was still inside the little room.

"What?"  Jon growled the hard syllable.  

"You heard me.  Don't come."

"Why the fuck not?"

"Because."  Danny deliberately paused and pulled at his drink.  He could hear Jon's breath in his ear, shallow and rapid.  Clearly this was going to be a confrontation.  "She's pretty beat up right now.  And she doesn't need to see you."

"She doesn't need to see me?  What the fuck, Danny?  Who the fuck do you think you are to decide what my wife needs?"

Danny bit back his automatic retort, instead forcing himself to remain calm.  He ignored Jon's challenge. 

"She broke down, Jon.  Told me everything.  About today, last night, the past few months..."

"Cate told you what about the last few months?"

"Everything.  Listen, Jon... she needed to unload.  It's just how Cate is.  You know it... she keeps stuff bottled up, carries it around until somebody forces her to let it out.

Jon practically spat his response through the phone.  "So what are you saying, Danny?  You got her drunk and dragged all the personal details of our marriage and life out of her?  You fucking interrogated her?"

"No,"  Danny's tone hardened to match Jon's.  "She did the drinking on her own.  And I only had to drag the first part out of her.  Then the walls came down."

"Listen, Danny... I don't know what the fuck you think you're doing.  I get it that you're Cate's closest friend.  But I'm her fucking husband.  It ain't your job to be her shrink or her priest or what the fuck-ever you think you are anymore.  I got that covered."

"Do you?"

An icy silence filled the connection before Jon spoke.

"I'll be there in an hour.  What room are you in?"

"I'm not telling you that."

"Fine.  I'll find out from the desk.  Or I'll call Cate."

"Jon, I'm telling you one last time.  Don't come here."

"You gonna stop me?"

"If that's what it takes, yeah."

"Fuck you, Danny."  Jon's snarl was lethal.  "I'm coming to get my wife.  Whether you fucking like it or not."

"You listen to me, you Arrogant Prick."  Danny's voice dropped to a dangerous growl.  "You drive down here, fine.  I can't stop you."  He turned back to the window, his stony expression reflecting in the darkened glass.  Danny's jaw tensed before he delivered his ultimatum. 

"But I'm warning you, Jon.  The only way you're getting to Cate is through me."